Junior Year

Going into college as a freshman, you have expectations; you have thoughts on how it’s going to go. You have all these dreams of making friends, starting this life for yourself. You’re in a new area, you don’t have old teachers staring you down at the gym, or wherever your last teenage job was. You are free to make a new life. You join a couple clubs, drop a few and keep a few, and in the end what you have is a life that you don’t really want to leave.

Going into sophomore year of college, you have even bigger expectations. You already have a job to come back to, you have a new place to live, maybe on campus, maybe not. You have your connections, your friends, your club, sorority, team, coworkers, you kind of know the professors you want, and you feel like you have already gone through your midlife crisis when you decided to switch your major the year before, so this year will be fine, and all in all it was.

Then junior year comes, after a tiring year of studying abroad, fighting for a friendship, being a camp counselor, going on a missions trip, you come back and hope to settle down. You got calls from your best friends on your days off when you were at camp, and the sound of their voices left you in tears when they hung up. You missed them, and you knew that the one place that you were supposed to be was back at school, and it could not come fast enough. But the thing that sucks about junior year is you know everyone. You know all the little things that they do to tick you off, all they have to say is one comment and you are off the wall. You are comfortable enough with each other that you can easily get into fights without worrying about your friendship, and at this point you know who you are…

See the thing is when I came into this school year I knew a couple of things. One, I knew that Katie was going to end up leaving me, so I prepared for over a year to say goodbye to my best friend. The second, I knew I had three best friends standing by my side for when she did leave, and I was ready for it. I could handle it.

But things took a turn, and I noticed it, but I didn’t do anything about it until it was really really late in the game…

Somehow things started to deteriorate, I was getting tired all the time, I was seeing Katie less and less. I stopped going out to parties, and somewhere in that, all the friendships that I had made at the beginning of the school year were dissipating, and so were my previous friendships. It seemed like the only one that was going strong was my relationship with my boyfriend.

Between getting slammed for money left and right, constantly owing teammates and roommates money that I didn’t have, and couldn’t get, my car going out, buying a new car, keeping up with the ridiculous amounts of reading that I had to (but didn’t) do. Even the things that I enjoyed doing, such as making videos was getting slammed by the varsity coach, I couldn’t even post videos of teammates learning double backs on floor without him having something negative to say about it. It was frustrating, and the whole thing was frustrating, teammates telling me that I am going to fast when they hadn’t been on a date in over a year… and neither had I. And the last time I had checked, I thought we were friends and could talk about it, joking and not joking… but apparently it got really protective really fast. I understood what was happening, but at the same time, people in the same room were telling me that I wasn’t putting enough effort into my school work, which is what ultimately pushed me over the edge that day, not the comment about mine and my boyfriends relationship.

By the time Christmas came, I didn’t know how to talk to one of the persons I was closest to at the beginning of the school year, because we had had an argument and when I apologized, he didn’t respond. From there, the little comments seemed to add up. I was getting very paranoid, every time this group of close friends hung out without me, it just seemed like they were talking about me when they were together, complaining about the next thing that I did wrong. Every little thing I did with them seemed not genuine anymore, it seemed fake, rehearsed, “how do I keep this friendship going without showing that I don’t want to be in the same room as them” type thing. By the time the Christmas party came, I left my boyfriend with a couple of questions for him to answer, not me. Just observe and tell me, “am I still a part of the junior squad? Am I even a part of this team? Or am I just the girl that makes videos and tells people they are pretty on Instagram?”

Of course, that sparked something in me. When doing a portfolio on identity, those were the questions I turned to. Who am I compared to the team? Who am I without Katie? What are others saying behind my back? What got us in this position of constant frustration? So I wrote, I pulled my hair out at the kitchen counter for hours, but every time I got another sentence down on the screen and right, it felt good. I wrote because I had to for class, but I also wrote to answer my own freaking questions. Let me get this straight, not once was I venting, but let me tell you, it felt good to have a say in what others were saying about me. Things went wrong there, with accidental sharing of links, but that’s over with so I’m moving on.

We went on Christmas break, I said goodbye to Katie as she graduated, and I ended up staying with my boyfriends parents most of the break. It was good, relaxing, we went on dates, we met each others family, we painted, watched movies, relaxed, watched Forest Gump, did I mention that we relaxed? We went on walks, went shopping, went into town, talked about future plans, and deep theological stuff, we asked questions and gave answers. It was good, and for the first time since summer, I felt like I had things together, I felt like I was genuinely happy, and I felt well rested.

My birthday came around, and the people I cared about and wanted to spend time with were there, I may have an embarrassing story from that night, Happy Twenty-First! But that’s for another post.

The longer that Katie was gone, and the more distance there was between a couple of teammates and I, the more and more agitated I was getting. It’s not that I was angry or ready to start yelling at someone, it wasn’t that kind of agitated, it was that sick to your stomach agitation, where you know something is incredibly wrong but you don’t want to think about it, you can’t put your finger on it… Something is just making you sick, making you upset, making you not like your sport or your friends anymore. You hate where you live, you walk into the house and go straight to your room, you do other people’s dishes so you don’t get yelled at… that kind of wrong. The kind of wrong where you’re second guessing your every thought your every interaction. Something was wrong, very wrong, something was missing.

And Evan started to catch on.

He probably noticed me missing for ten to fifteen minutes each practice. He probably noticed how I was quiet on the walks home, or how Sam would say that she missed hanging out with me. I would smile and shrug and it’s not that I didn’t miss hanging out with her, it’s that I didn’t know what I liked anymore, where I belonged. Suddenly something about my character was completely unfamiliar. So one night he asked me what was wrong. I said that I was fine and we continued to walk to my house in silence.

That is when I removed myself from The Junior Squad group chat.

The next night, in tears, I texted him and told him we needed to talk. Apparently that wasn’t the right thing to say because he immediately called me, worried I was going to break up with him. I told him that I wasn’t okay, he asked me if I could make it through another day, and I told him I could. Of course I cried that night, but since I had admitted that I was in pain, it was like a virus, it just got worse and worse the more you didn’t take care of it. The next day, Evan came over, and we continued with our Harry Potter marathon, and somehow in the middle of the movie, the tears started, and they didn’t stop for another hour and a half. I sobbed, I sobbed over Katie, I sobbed over Mason, I sobbed over knowing I couldn’t go back to camp, I sobbed over Michaela, and Deshawn, our ride to Philly, Promnastics, how I was standing there, looking around and everyone had their best friend and I was just standing there, and I just knew “this is what it’s going to be like when she leaves.”

I have never cried so hard in my entire life, and I’ve been hurt, by boys, by friends, my parents, my teachers, people at church, loved ones passing away, family members lying, and losing their jobs. I’ve been hurt by my very best friends, I’ve been scared out of my mind that I would loose everything… but still I had never cried so much in my entire life. It felt like my heart was just aching, it was throbbing, and the only thing that was softening the blow was Evan being there.

That wasn’t the last time either, I had talked to one of my roommates about what I was feeling, and because he hates it when girls cry, I tried to hold back the tears, but I felt like he would be the one to understand the most. After that, I took Evan’s advice to try to act like things are normal until I had a chance to sit down with other teammates and talk to them. But apparently acting normal wasn’t the right choice; I made joking comments one night, and that set one person off. Shortly after that I got a text that put me in bed sobbing again for another hour. Every time Evan asked what was wrong, I just sobbed more, snot and all. The only thing I could get out was, “I’m trying,” I’m trying with my family, with my friends, with school and nothing is working. There were a million things going on in my head but I couldn’t say anything to him, nothing would come out.

I woke up the next morning with my eyes sore and my nose crusted. In class I stared very intently at my professor, thinking about the text message that I had received, and right in the middle of class I grabbed a piece of paper and started writing out exactly what I was going to respond with. I’m sure I freaked my professor out a little bit.

But right after class, that teammate was at the apartment, so we sat down and talked it out, explained everything that has happened this whole year.

From there, I tried to get back into the swing of things, joke around with roommates, reconnect with the people I had cut off, but something still didn’t feel right. I was no longer excited about Nationals, any gymnastics meets, parties, going to church, class, I wasn’t excited to go home, or go to my apartment, I was only excited for Dates with Evan, that was about it. And painting nights.

I decided I didn’t like gymnastics anymore. From there I skipped optional meets, I stopped going to most practices, I haven’t made any videos, and although it has gotten better. The friendships have rekindled themselves… it all still sits in the back of my mind. Like that bone that never really heals all the way, it still hurts when it rains. Well sometimes it rains.

I’ve forgiven those friends who have hurt me, left me, protected me (even when I didn’t really welcome the protection) the ones that thought I half assed apologies, the ones that blamed me for things that happened in the house. I have forgiven them, and I will continue to forgive them, but sometimes it does come to mind. Like I said, it’s like that break that never really heals. I hope that they can forgive any of the mistakes or any misunderstandings that have taken place this year.

Last year my mom told me that when I have something this special, I should never let go of it. She was talking about the team, and it was after I asked her about how she felt about me living with a couple of teammates. I think a lot of our team has forgotten how special it is, how great our friendships are, I think a lot of misunderstandings, rude comments, and fights have taken place. I think our team forgot what we really are, and what we really mean to each other.

And I want it back.

Junior Squad and all.