A couple of days ago, I was chilling in my sisters’ room,
and we were just enjoying an episode of Teen Wolf. As the credits came on, I
noticed that something had been bothering Bethany since I got up to her room.
Did I smell bad? Did she want some time alone? Then she finally asked me the
question that was on her mind. “Becca, how did you get over Tyler?”
Not going to lie, the question kind of stung. The “T” word
was not typically brought up in conversation anymore unless I brought it up.
That would then be the go-ahead signal for open fire upon the topic. Then there
was the fact that hearing his name, knowing that it was directly related with
the person, not the Tyler across the street, not the kid I teach on Fridays.
She was talking about Tyler, as in Tyler Berry, ex-boyfriend, and the guy that
broke my heart, twice, that Tyler. Hearing his name in that context, still
stung a little bit.
I can imagine I gave her a shocked look, not knowing why it
applied to her life, she was currently very happy with a young man at school…
Oh. That’s when it hit me, this young man most likely turned out to be a jerk.
So I pondered her question for a second and I thought about
everything I went through. “I mean, you seemed to have gotten over him so
fast…” she said after I didn’t answer for a short amount of time.
I chose my words very carefully at this point, because the
fact was that I would probably always love him, just not in the same way that I
loved him before. It’s also true that until a couple of weeks ago, I was not
completely over him.
“You really want to know how I got over him?” Bethany shook
her head and I told her the story, “I cried. I begged him, and vomited in front
of him. When I realized it was over, I gave myself ten minutes to cry because I
was already running late for class. As I was grabbing my stuff, I called Chloe
and when she didn’t pick up I left a voicemail, freaking her out that something
had gone terribly wrong. I cried some more, told myself that it was a good
thing, was happy about it, then sad.”
“And just like that you were over it? I mean what happened
to the times when you came home…” That’s what I wanted her to point out. When
the break up happened I was stranded in Ypsilanti, alone, with nobody that knew
me before college. The only people I really had around were the friends that I
had made in different classes, the gymnastics team, my orientation group and my
roommate – who was also in my orientation group.
So I explained, “well the fact that I had gymnastics as a
distraction, work and school work… it was pretty easy to forget that I was
hurt. I talked to Chloe about it, and Sophia, each once and I cried with both
of them, after that… I just “forgot.” But that didn’t mean I had healed at all.
The only thing that really started the healing process was when a guy that I
had barely known made me laugh.”
“Who was that?” Bethany asked me, I just smiled and replied,
“Scott from Harry Potter class.” She nodded and suddenly my whole second half
of freshman year suddenly started to make sense. “Once he made me laugh, I
realized that most guys aren’t jerks. They know how to make a girl laugh, and
still have fun with them without forcing anything. They know how to be friends,
and treat a girl correctly. You just have to find the right one.”
“Okay, so moving onto Scott was how you got over Tyler?”
This was the most crucial part of our conversation. She had to understand that
moving onto another guy does nothing except point out the obvious, that I was
hurt and now scared of any type of relationship.
I shook my head no, “that is what got me to come to my
senses that not all guys are evil, but that thought didn’t include the guys in
the gymnastics club, because they were great in helping me get through that!” I
looked at her and explained, “remember when I came home that one weekend, and
woke up crying because I had a dream about seeing his family again and I
realized how much I missed them?” Bethany shook her head and I continued, “That’s
when I finally started healing.”
She gave me a weird look, that had been at least a month
after the break up and she knew that, “that day when we went to church I just
let myself cry. At that point I realized that church was where I needed to be.
I hadn’t been going because of gymnastics and the fact that I couldn’t really
find a good church, but being back at Dayspring… I lost it. I had so much guilt
from things that had happened, I was hurt. I knew I made the right decision
when Tyler made me chose between him and God, but I hated how much it hurt, and
for the record, if you think that church is a place to go and be all put
together… it’s not, it’s a place to go and fall apart.” Bethany shook her head,
and said, “I know Becca…”
That was when Lauren Motsinger came up to pray for me. She
knew nothing of the situation, but everything she said she felt God was saying,
was lining up with what was going on. I just kept crying and crying. I realized
at that point, I chose to break my heart to keep my relationship with God, so I
needed to chase him more. At that point, things had been going on in my walk
with God, and I felt that God was telling me some things, which made me feel
great.”
Although God was starting to work through me and speak to me
once again, it still hurt and I still had all of this guilt pulling me down.”
Bethany looked at me, knowingly, but still asked, “So what did you do?”
“I felt bad, because I knew I had done things that would one
day possibly hurt my husband, and even though God said – through Lauren – that
my husband doesn’t care about that and that he already loves me, I just wanted
to apologize to him anyway. So I began to write.”
“A story?” I shook my head and replied, “no, a letter…”
I then explained that I used to write letters to my future
husband, but had stopped. I started again when I had read my friend,
Gabrielle’s, blog post, and she mentioned writing letters to your husband while
waiting for “Mr. Right.” I told her that in that first letter, I apologized.
She was confused on how writing to someone who you most likely don’t even know
yet, makes a break up easier.
So I explained that even the thought that he is out there
somewhere. Someone who won’t break your heart, someone who is already praying
for you, someone who already loves you so much that they would never do
anything to hurt you. They are out there right now, and talking to them makes
everything so much easier. Of course, it is more of a one sided conversation,
they don’t get to answer back just yet… but one day, he will read that and see
how much you had already thought about him, and how without even knowing him…
he helped you get through a rough time.
There was more to the story, but when it came down to it, I
put a list together of things I did to get over the heartbreak.
1.) I
gave it time – even though I ignored it for so long, I still gave it time to
try to heal.
2.) I
kept up with gymnastics, my schoolwork and my job – it is crucial in a break up
that I didn’t lock myself in my room and cry myself to sleep every night… I
went out to parties, and movies, and I never missed a practice.
3.) I
talked to people about it - Shannon, Katie, Mason, Deshawn, Dave, Chloe,
Sophia, Bailee (although she preferred the trash talk over the mushy gushy
feelings crap)… all people who have my best interests in mind and would be
there for me no matter what.
4.) I
began to seek God – this is where the healing starts to come in. Once you begin
to seek God, any guilt, shame, resentment, regret, hurt, anger, fear… all of
that starts to fade because the only thing you really desire is a relationship
with God.
5.) I
wrote Letters to my future husband – sounds weird, I know and my best friend
from high school says that I write letters to “invisible people” but it really
does work. Technically he’s like a future best friend, so tell him everything,
every little detail of the pain you are feeling. It will feel good to not have
anyone give you feed back or an… “well I think…” and like I said, the thought
of him, whoever he is… makes it feel a thousand times better. Because if the
relationship you are trying to get over, was great but didn’t last, just think
of how much better your relationship with this stranger is going to be, because
it does last!
6.) I
went on a “date” – Now I say, “date” with quotes because it wasn’t really a
date. It was Deshawn asking Michaela out, on a double date, and I asked Mason
to tag along. It was fun, and it kind of felt like a real double date, so it
was nice to just hang out with a couple of guys and another girl. That and I
went out on a friend date to see The Hobbit with Ben. It was nice getting to
catch up with him. This is also important. Rebounds are not good, and just
create a mess! If you want to go out on a date, I suggest a good group of
friends, or just a good friend in general, one who will treat you well, talk
with you about anything, one that you will have fun with, but when it is over,
nothing about your friendship has changed.
7.) This
last one, I wouldn’t suggest to many people to do, unless it is really bugging
you. Something about our relationship was that in the end, there were a million
questions that I had no answers to. I needed to know if he ever really loved me
or not. If this is something that you are wondering and actually want to know
the answer to, then let me tell you, if the answer is yes, it will hurt. If the
answer is no, it will hurt. If you still go through with it, don’t ask him… ask
someone who knew the both of you. I asked his mother, and she gave more than enough
information to convince me that he did in fact love me. That left me with a
thousand more questions, but it didn’t matter because that was the one that
bugged me the most.
Another thing I wouldn’t suggest, but I did anyways, and
this got me some closure was that I actually talked to him. After four months
of never hearing from him, I talked to him, and right from the start he made me
mad, which confirmed that it was a good thing that we broke up (he can be
extremely unreasonable sometimes). However, after I was done being mad and
stating my reasons for not giving him his necklaces back, we had a very good
conversation asking each other questions about the break up.
In the end, it was obvious what had happened. I had thought
that he wanted an excuse to break up with me and date the girl he is currently
with. In fact it wasn’t that at all. He knew that we couldn’t make each other
as happy as we wanted to. He knew that I would be happier with someone else,
and so would he. It didn’t matter how much we loved each other, or how much we
wanted to make it work. We both knew it, he was just strong enough to make the
decision for us, and I wasn’t.
I told Bethany as I was leaving, that Tyler’s story, and
mine it’s different than most stories, that there was a lot of forgiveness and
second chances. She nodded knowingly, I then told her “but that didn’t mean it
still didn’t hurt just as much when he broke it off for the second time by
making me chose between God and him.” She nodded and said, “I know, and I know
how hurt you were by it, but if you can heal… so can I…”
HowI smiled and nodded, “yup, just write a letter… it will feel
good I promise.” She laughed and said goodnight, and I said goodnight as well
and left for the basement.
