The End of the Beam

When we were younger and in the gym, we would line up on the balance beam three or four per beam, and start our warm ups. Our arms were either stretched high or wide, walking on our tiptoes, doing kicks, dips, leaps, jumps, turns you name it and we did it.

Oddly enough as gymnasts we found ourselves staring at each other’s feet or butts. Our chins were up, but our eyes were down. Focusing on the beam. We were always told to look at our partner’s feet…

Fast forward a few years and compulsory routines are done. There are typically five minute warm ups and then routines, one on each beam was started. By this time you are no longer looking at your partner’s feet, you are staring at the end of the beam. I don’t remember the science behind it, but Coach Casey always explained it when she caught me falling because I wasn’t looking at the beam.

The part that I do remember when she explained it is that as our body is spinning, jumping, moving through the air on four inches our brain is also moving. Our balance is connected to where our brain thinks that we are. So as I understand it, if we are jumping and spinning and we have no direction as to where the landing for the beam and where the landing for the floor is, our bodies won’t connect the beam and the floor as two separate objects instead it will think that it is one object. However, staring at the end of the beam is one way to help with that balance. Since it is an even surface, and you can clearly see the line where the beam ends, it is easy for the brain to configure that the beam is not the floor. If that made any sense.

If you didn’t take anything away from that, just know that gymnasts typically stare at the end of the beam to maintain their balance. It’s like when dancers spot a point on the wall to keep them from getting dizzy; it’s so that our brain knows where we are in relation to the floor, the beam and the space around us.

That being said, the next stage of the gymnastics career is typically high school gymnastics. If you have a smaller team and a big gym, you get pretty used to having your own beam to warm up on. Nobody is in the way of the end of your beam.

Then you get to college club gymnastics where the chances of you being on the same beam as someone else is very slim.

So this leads to my story.

Katie and I have the same favorite beam, so a couple of weeks ago, Katie hopped up on the beam with me and started warming up. Her feet were in the way of my view, and my feet were in the way of her view.

We were wobbling all over the beam.

That’s when I realized, that it isn’t until someone is standing in your way that you realize how much your balance depends on staring at the end of the beam.

At first when I thought this through, I thought, “wow, that’s really profound! I’m going to use this.”

But I didn’t know what for, or how I was supposed to apply this to my life.

Until now.

Over the summer, I was typically always on a Jesus high and it was great. I’m not saying that it was fine and dandy every day, I had my moments. I had a few times when I finally just broke down and cried, but I felt like my relationship with God was constantly evolving into a process.

Although I have not gone back into my habits of skipping church while at school, I still have had many moments of just wondering where God is or what he is doing.

Coming back to school, I knew that I was supposed to be here. I told Katie everything, and they spiraled out of control very quickly. My plan didn’t… well… her plan didn’t go well because I ended up finding out about her plan. It was a mess, and at first I thought it was never what God intended. I told Katie that it wasn’t a good time, but she didn’t believe me.

From there my relationship with God and my Jesus high that lasted most of the summer drained a little bit. I started to think that she was right and I was wrong. But I was wrong about thinking that she was right.

If you had read any previous posts, you would know that I went to the Chi Alpha Fall Retreat for Ohio and a God worked in so many ways. God moved, and my faith… I don’t know what to say about it. It wasn’t restored… but it was just heightened. I went back and told my Mom what happened and her mouth just dropped. Suddenly she started to be on my side of things, I told Katie what happened and she started believing me and my testimony and all I had to say about it.

But you know… college gets in the way. It’s not that I continued to doubt, I knew that God told me directly it’s a time of transition and waiting. Waiting on what? I’m not sure. Transitioning into what? Very good question.

All I know is I am supposed to wait.

In the process, God also told me very clearly to back off of a couple of friendships. He also told me to back off of as much social media as I could, make things private, make things unsearchable, and rarely get on them (except for my creative writing project). Social media was becoming an awful thing for my mental health, and my relationship with facebook was almost abusive.

So I backed off.

He was right, I was wrong. I listened.

But if you read my November post, things started to blow up in our faces, and they blew up fast. Everyone was getting hurt; nobody knew what they wanted or what they were doing. Moves and counter moves. I was playing psychologist with everyone, and in the end I needed someone to play psychologist on me.

I found myself helping Katie with her relationships and the young men she was turning down and hurting. I was comforting Becca with her failed relationship with Ethan, and trying to give her advice that did not send her running back to Tinder (that girl has a problem). In the meantime, I was turning down young men because there was a big red flag that hung in the air every time and STOP was written on it.

I lived up to the promise that I made to Katie, I went to get coffee with a young man.

It was actually interesting. My mother’s first reaction was, “appeasing yourself?” That’s what I thought too Mom. Actually it was more like appeasing Katie. At first it was exciting, a guy walked up to me, got nervous, stumbled through his words and then asked me for coffee, it was cute and made me feel better. But I knew that Mom was right. I couldn’t sit back and collect confidence from him and then break it off because I know that it was not going to go anywhere.

Anyway, after turning down these young men, and watching my friends hurt, and realize that I was hurting as well… I broke down.

That’s when I thought about my balance beam. I felt like God just lifted my chin and said, “hey, I want to spend time with you, and more time than usual.”

So I got into the word, and I mean really into it. I studied it, and flipped through different parts of the bible, read Psalms and circled every time it said the word “trust” or “rely upon.” I read parts of Lady In Waiting, and I just spent time with the Lord.

That’s when I realized, someone was warming up with me on my beam, and instead of being able to focus on the end of the beam, I was focusing on their feet… which were moving.

If you don’t get the analogy, our relationship with God is like practicing by yourself. Your view of the end of the beam is perfect, so typically (at least during warm ups) your likelihood of wobbling, let alone falling is very slim.

However, your human worries, doubts, failures, guilt, shame, the view and advice of the world. That is the person who is warming up with you on the beam.

I cannot express how easy it is to somehow believe in the promises, and lies of the world. It is easy to forget that there is a God out there that died for you, and loves you, no matter what (Romans 8:38-39, “For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present for the future, nor any powers. Neither height nor depth nor anything else in all creation can separate us from the Love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”)

When it doesn’t seem like God’s plan is coming together, or you don’t see him working in your life… it can be easy to just think about all the reasons he would have abandoned you, or fall into the worldly things.

In gymnastics terms, it can be very easy to not see the end of the beam when you are standing at it. It is also very easy to just let someone else hop up on the beam with you so that they can warm up as well.

Both hinder your view from the end of the beam, both impair your balance. Therefore you start to stumble, fall and lose your balance.

But the great thing I have noticed about the beam is that:

1.)  Even if you willingly jump off the beam… which means you willingly abandon your relationship with God…

2.)  Even if you split the beam which is where your feet miss the beam, but one leg goes on each side of the beam on the fall down. This kind of fall leaves scars, and scrapes. In correspondence with your relationship with God, it is typically when you failed to keep your eyes on your relationship with God. You had a relationship with him, but followed your own plans and therefore you stumbled a little bit in your walk. That leaves painful scars…

3.)  Even if you legitimately fall, you had your eyes on end of the beam, but your body was not tight enough to stay on the beam. Meaning, you had your eyes on your relationship with God, and you really wanted it, but not enough to put your life back on track to follow him. (Like the rich young ruler).

Even if… somehow some way, willingly, unintentionally… whatever reason.

Even if you end up on the floor, and not on the beam…

There is ALWAYS the option to get back up on the beam.

And you can always direct your partner (whom is standing in your way) in the direction of her own beam as well…

Another interesting thing about your partner finding their own beam… is that when they start to practice on the same beam over and over again, it suddenly becomes their favorite beam. They claim it, and they don’t want to be on your beam anymore.

Sometimes, you will cross paths, and want to switch it up a bit by practicing on each others beams (what I would like to think as fellowship, or life groups). You will also notice that switching up beams can be helpful for meets when the pressure is high, but when you are warming up and alone, you go back to your own beam and spend time with it, one on one.

And you always keep your eyes focus the end of the beam to maintain your balance.

No (Blank) November 2014

November…

No shave November? Nahh…

More like No Confidence November, or No Facebook November. Or how about No Social Media November?

I thought about the last one, but then a Creative Writing project came up and I really did need twitter.

While I did go about a solid two weeks without shaving, and I'm pretty sure my leg hair never really grew past four days, No Shave November is not a thing for any gymnasts. It can get pretty bad with being in a leotard for three days of the week.

Anyway, this post is not about no shave November. It's about every other part of November.

I started November looking in the mirror and sucking in my stomach, trying on five different dresses, four different shirts, and three different pairs of pants. No matter how many compliments I got at church, I did not feel confident. For the longest time I have not struggled with confidence. I can walk with my chin held high when I am extremely lonely. I can hold back tears like a professional, I can lie to myself and convince my body that I feel one way, but I really don't. It is easy, but something happened where I seemed to reduce myself to nothing and doubting my self worth.

That is how my November started.

It probably didn't help that for two weekends in a row, I was stuck in the apartment, by myself with nothing really to do. That time of being by yourself, I don't think is very healthy, not for extended periods of time (like four days in a row).

One of the Sunday nights, I ended up going to dinner with my friend Dave, and I finally told him what had been on my mind. Apparently I was not the only one struggling with self-image issues at that point. I told him that I found myself on Facebook, comparing myself to other girls, even my best friends.

That's when it hit me; I had to get off Facebook. It started with my phone, I deleted the app. I went a couple of days without being on the Facebook app. I didn't realize how much of a relief it was, not having to be in direct contact with everyone. Not always torturing myself with comparing my image to other girls, and even the girls that I really didn't like or trust, but everyone else loved them and trusts them… I would wonder what they see in her but not me.

It was all comparison, an ever part of it was negative.

But with the app deleted, I wasn't being negatively affected in the middle of class, or gymnastics practice, on my way to work or even at work while we are waiting for the kids and their parents to show up. It was a relief.

I quickly realized that the next step was to stop getting on Facebook altogether. During that time, yes I got on to post stuff for the club, but I was not scrolling through my news feed. I sent the necessary messages to people if I didn't have their number, but besides that… I was not on Facebook.

It was a complete relief.

Aside from my Facebook break, I found that I successfully beat my own record at how long I can go without doing my laundry. Four Weeks. Four! Although I was running out of jeans, leotards and sweatpants… most of my drawers were still pretty full. Lets just say by the time I finally got to wash my cloths (including my comforter and sheets) It ended up being four loads of laundry. Sorry Mom and Dad! Never mind, it was even more than that, because Katie's Mom had finished a load for me the weekend before. So a whopping total of five loads of laundry… Yikes!

Anyway, back to the main plot of November. As the month dragged on, Becca seemed to be struggling with Ethan, the guy she was talking to. Katie and Tyler were broken up, but still together and I just got to sit back and watch my friends struggle with their relationships. I found myself constantly giving advice, and talking to them about how to solve their problems. Maybe that's why God has me in this time of waiting, so I can help my roommates without my own distractions. But that is beside the point.

November 14th came around and I finally had my roommates back for a whole weekend! November 14th was the night of the Glow Party, and I have to say, it was a lot of fun. Katie was hula hooping and got hit in the head with a ping-pong ball. I stole Sammi Lee's phone and changed many of her contacts to fictional characters. We played cards against humanity and for once I wasn't losing.

Sammi Lee, Katie, Becca, Morgan and I found ourselves wandering campus late that night for some free pancakes at two in the morning. They were really good, and we looked like a mess. Great.

That following week, we were all trying to decide what to do the following weekend. We had many things planned and only enough time for some of them. Becca wanted us to come back with her to Rossford so that we could have Christmas with her family. From there we would have visited Dayspring, they would have met some of my friends back there, see where I go to church and that would have been that weekend.

But that's not what happened. Thursday night was the Mockingjay Premier. Shannon, Morgan, Justine and Paige all came over, we got ready, dressed like Katniss and left for the premier. The following day Becca, Katie and I woke up early in the morning to catch the early bird showing of that movie. I figured if I went, then I could explain to Katie what was happening since I had read the book and already watched the movie. It was worth seeing a second time.

Although, as soon as Katie, Becca and I got back from the movie, Katie and I had some errands to run. When we came back, Becca had left for the weekend, and we had both told her that we were not going. I had a sewing project to do, and Katie was going to see her grandma.

But I finished my sewing project; so on the way to practice Katie asked if I wanted to come back to her cabin with her. I said yes, went to practice, we borrowed some movies from Danny and left for the cabin. That night we begged Ethan for the truth, we knew that something was going on, but didn’t know what it was. There was so much that didn't make sense, and he finally told us that he had been wanting to break it off with Becca, but wanted to talk to us about it. In the process of mentioning that he "had no real connection with Becca," he put it out there that he was attracted to one of the roommates. Katie said that it could never happen. We wished him luck, and prayed that Becca wasn't as hurt as we thought she would be when he finally told her. I'm going to be honest, that night was weird.

Ethan confessed that he liked Katie more, we finally got the truth from him… and then here is the weirdest thing. I had a missed FaceTime call from Tyler Berry, as in the guy that I have not talked to in months? I texted him to make sure he was okay, but he never responded. I took that as a yes.

Saturday Morning Katie made me waffles and we went down to the lake, which was still frozen at the time. We talked about what had happened the night before, her confusion with her Tyler (Tyler Debrabander), and I mentioned a little bit of my own confusion in my life.

We then visited her grandparents, who were fun to talk to and even made us hot chocolate and helped us with our homework! We invited them to dinner, which was spaghetti pie… YUMM!!! Katie and I did more homework, and watched some movies in the basement. One of them being The Woman In Black, and I will admit, I had a hard time sleeping that night.

The following day, we went with Katie’s lovely grandmother to church, and then her Mom, Katie and I went shopping for Katie’s interview. That night Katie and I finally finished up our homework and went to bed.

One thing that had been happening all of November was learning my floor routine. This was almost UNBEARABLE. I start freaking out when I can’t breathe, and so doing run throughs with my routine (instead of doing a tumbling pass, the music would be stopped and I would do three sprints across the floor for each pass). I would finish and be completely out of breath, I would do beam routines and be out of breath, I couldn’t get through the first half my bar routine without being out of breath.

I just couldn’t breathe. At All.

So for every practice I would do one or two run throughs of my routine. I even tried doing a routine with my tumbling pass, then pausing the music to do the final two sprints. Eventually I actually asked for prayer.

Katie and I kept the secret about Ethan wanting to break off Becca and his “talking” relationship until Tuesday when Ethan finally ended it.

Tuesday afternoon I went home for the weekend. Bethany had an awful attitude, and I wouldn’t stand for it. But the next day she came around and apologized for the way that she treated me.

I really don’t remember what I did on Wednesday, but Thursday came around and I found myself picking up my unhappy sister from my Aunts house. Apparently spending time with family (to her) constitutes as spending time with only my Aunts family. We spent some time eating lunch together, and then went to visit Grandpa Garber, and then went black Friday shopping.

At one point Thanksgiving was my favorite holiday… but somewhere between having my first apartment, and actually coming home for Thanksgiving… I have lost interest. Maybe last year ruined it for me… I don’t know. I really just wanted to spend it at my apartment with Katie and Becca, and our own turkey and our own meals.

Friday was black Friday shopping, and Mom and I were at the mall for hours. We went and saw a movie, and then when we finally went to Forever 21 we finally found decently priced sports bras. When we got up to the front, I found something that would be a great present for Katie, and when I went to pay for it, I realized my wallet was gone. I looked in the dressing room; I looked in stores that we had been in since.

I then realized that I left my wallet in the theater. I had it out before the movie, so we waited for the movie after ours to get out, went to lunch together, and finally got into the theater and found my wallet.

After that, I went home and changed into a dress to go to the Nutcracker to watch Bekah and Lilly dance. Later that night, I finally got to talk with Chloe and Sophia. I didn’t have much to tell them, but they had a lot to tell me. We spent the night talking and laughing, and telling stories.

I ended up staying the night, and the next morning, I awoke to Mrs. Schmitz making us pancakes, and eventually putting up the Christmas tree. At that point I realized how much I just wanted to go back to my apartment, where there would be Becca’s Christmas Tree waiting for me when I arrived. I would be able to go back in my room and watch Netflix and write a story.

Sunday came around and I ended up going home to Becca’s Christmas tree. That’s when we finally talked about Ethan ending it with her, she cried a little bit, and I told her about my Thanksgiving break. My November ended on a somewhat calm note, Becca and I doing homework, listening to Christmas music at the kitchen table.

And somehow within the month, I regained my confidence, and I found my way back onto social media. Although I still rarely get on, or if I am on for a while, I am not scrolling through my news feed.

It wasn’t until the following day (In December) where things really started to go down.

And that was NOVEMBER!

-Becca

Little Sis

Hey Beth,

This post is going out to you. Twice in the past week I have been on the phone with you and every time we said goodbye, you left me very worried. I was going to write this on your Facebook wall however, it will not let me post pictures in the order that I want to, and leave commentary. So this whole post is dedicated to you. 

First of all, call me if you have any questions or need to talk. I am limiting my Facebook time and only check it if I get an email on computer about something important on Facebook. For example, this post… I felt like I needed to tell you and show you these things so I got on for you, but after that, I'm going back to my Facebook free life.

Now, as I have said, you have left me worried, and although you are feeling invisible, you have been on my mind quite a lot recently. I hate that I have left you alone in the situations back home, but don't worry it will all be over soon. Two more years! However, in this time apart, I know I am supposed to be at Eastern, we both know God's plan for my life, so you know that this is a crucial time for me as well. Hang in there!

In the meantime - you better be reading this - I was on my way to a class (bio as we have both discussed our distaste for) and of all things Louie Giglio's Indescribable Sermon Part: 5 comes through my earbuds. Typically I change it because I just want to listen to the whole sermon, not parts, but I took a moment and listened to the end. The part where he talks about the x-structure at the core of the whirlpool galaxy. I immediately thought of you. 

So you have heard it a thousand times through your iTunes playlist, but in case you have not taken the time to look at the actual x-structure, here is a picture of it. 

This is what it actually looks like. Deep in the core of the whirlpool galaxy, thirty-one MILLION light years away! "It's me, it's grace it's forgiveness, it's kindness it's God saying 'I love you!'" 

And in case you have not watched the actual sermon, here is the last section, the part with the whirlpool galaxy. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LIoBCgRC7Uo

Now… I know you like Louie Giglio… and I may not have told you about the next part I am going to tell you about. I'm going to tell you about Laminin. 

I know you don't like biology, but we are going to talk about it for a second. There is a tiny, cell adhesion molecule called Laminin. This tiny, cell adhesion molecule is NECESSARY and VITAL for holding the human body together. It is the glue of the human body, it holds our membranes together!

Now, I know what you're thinking. "Becca, I really don't care about this protein molecule called Laminin." But let me tell you, you will. The knowledge of this protein molecule was what got me through my sophomore year of high school, so since you are a sophomore and dealing with similar issues, but now more extreme, I think this is an appropriate time to show you Laminin. 

This is Laminin. 

Look Familiar? 

Apparently Louie is notorious for finding crosses everywhere! Here is the video. Watch it!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F0-NPPIeeRk

God is holding us together! Literally! 

So, I know it is hard. I know it is just going to get harder, exams are going to be rough, it's going to get cold, your elbows are going to crack, your skin will dry out and the lack of Thankfulness and Christmas spirit will once again be in the house. BUT it doesn't matter because God is holding us together. 

Nothing else matters. God's got it under control.

I think that is one thing that I have learned from taking a break from most social media, and being back at college. Nothing that we go through really matters, it's what we do with it, with those chances and those choices that matter. It is how we react to Mom and Dad. It is how we respect them and their decisions that we make. And as long as you can get to the end of the day and you know that God held you together, physically, mentally, spiritually everything else that happened is okay. You could break down in tears every five minutes, but as long as you knew that God is holding you in that moment of weakness and brokenness, that is all that mattered. 

So, my advice to you:

Chose your battles very wisely: Meaning don't go off on Mom and Dad the minute you walk in the door and they say something that puts you on the edge. I've been there, I have done that. Listen to what they say, do what they say (as long as it is reasonable) and then get on with your own life. In doing this, you will have less fights with them, and they will start to gain your trust (which is how I got to leave without asking my senior year). James 1:19 says, "My Dear brothers and sisters, take not of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry." 

Do NOT worry about tomorrow: I'm not saying don't study, please do. Knowledge is not going to descend upon you like a dove and then everyone will hear the voice of God say in the middle of bio, "this is my beloved daughter, whom I love, with her I am well pleased, and by my grace I will present her with all my knowledge of the human body as I designed it." As awesome as that would be (and if that happens to you, please cue God in on the idea of doing that for me in bio, thanks), that most likely is not going to happen. Not limiting God, I'm just saying… be prepared, but take it one day at a time. Matthew 6: 34 says "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of it's own." 

Be Involved: Even though you may feel left out, or ignored still be involved. TBQ got me through  lot of hard times. There were many times that I looked forward to Bible Quiz meets because as you know, its a day out of the house and with friends. Gymnastics as you know was always the thing that got me through high school. Stay involved in drama at school, and I have sent some of my young adult friends your way and I am trusting that they will keep an eye out for you. 

Crank the Music: Unfortunately when I was a sophomore like you, I was not into Skillet or He Is We. In fact, I hated Skillet's heavy metal music and I had no clue that He Is We, was even a thing. Instead I listened to Relient K, (The old) Hawk Nelson and Taylor Swift. You're blessed enough with a big sister that has shown you a lot of great music (joking… kind of). I know you already do crank the music but as I am learning in my creative writing class, the language we use knows a lot more than we ever do. So the songs know more than you, let that language get you through this, tell you what you are feeling. Let it uplift you and move you, or help you realize how much more of God you need daily. 

Find a Mentor: This is someone older than you whom you trust very much. Someone who can be there for you when I can't. I know life at home is rough, but I can't come help you as often as I would like to. I have to be at church up here with University Christian Fellowship and Pastor Sarah. As you know, I am supposed to be here that's where God wants me, that's where I stay. 

Sew Something, Read a book, Write a Book, Scrap Book, Do something: In your free time, find out what gets your mind off of things. For me it was always writing, or if I couldn't write it, I would read and just immerse myself in a whole new world. I couldn't sew at your age, but work on a project, there is still a ton of fabric in the basement. Be creative, and have fun!

Keep a Look Out for Good Friends, Let THEM find YOU: When I was younger Dad once told me that I was good at choosing my friends. That's when I realized that I didn't choose them, they chose me. In fact, I hated most of my friends before I became friends with them. The same thing happened with Jessica. As I told you, one day in Theory I heard a "pssst," and my life was never the same. Although I typically have a very good judgement of character and can tell whether or not to trust someone, they still chose me, and they will chose you. Be open and answer the "pssst's" and if someone invites you to their lake house for the camping unit in missionettes, listen to Mom and go on it (that's how Chloe and I became friends if you didn't know that). They will come, and they will find you. Let God bless you with friends. I remember at the beginning of summer, I actually asked Mom right before service one day at church, "Mom why hasn't God given me friends, he told me to come home, he said he would provide that for me and yet I'm still alone." That day, I became better acquainted with Anthony, and he gave me the confirmation that I needed. It's amazing how God works! He did it with me this summer, he'll do it with you every time you need it!

Lastly, just enjoy life. You only get one sophomore year, and even if you feel defeated, put a smile on your face. It will help…

One time senior year all the cos girls were fighting. Ms. Bain yelled, (actually when she yelled it was more of a high pitched squeal) but anyway… I yelled for her and we all stopped and looked at her. She pointed to the door and said "outside now!" She made us do lunges and bunny hops, and spin in circles until we hit one another and then walk in a straight line. We were fumbling all over the place and eventually all just standing around laughing. She looked at us and said, "the choice of choosing whether or not to smile can be the difference between a good day and a bad day." I have found it to be true. So smile. Even if it's fake, even if it's forced, eventually no matter how bad it is, you will still be happy. 

Now that it is really late, I just want to let you know that I love you and you have been on my mind. I know I haven't always been the best sister, but I want to help you get through high school and finish off our relationship on a better note than when we started. I love you and you WILL make it through your sophomore year. I will see you Thanksgiving week! 

-Bec

P.S. ALWAYS REMEMBER LAMININ!

October: Part Three

My brother and sister had been at a TBQ meet all day, and had no idea that I was coming home, so when I went to go pick them up, they saw my van, with the bouquet of flowers that I caught at Jamie’s wedding in the windshield and Bethany said that she freaked out. Josh asked why I was home, and when I said Chloe, he walked away looking defeated and said disappointingly, “so you didn’t come home for us…”

Umm… no.

Around eight o’clock, Ellie and I left and met at the Schmitz house, but when we knocked nobody answered the door. We called Sophia and she didn’t answer, we called her again, still nothing. So we knocked, nothing. Phoebe was barking, but nobody was answering. We thought about just breaking into the garage with the code and walking through the garage door and finding whoever was home, but eventually someone sat down at the piano and we knocked again. Chloe came up to the door and she was surprised, the first thing she said to me was, “you liar!” I explained that I was planning on staying in Ypsi, until Ellie texted me. I then realized that even the chance at seeing Chloe for only twenty minutes, was worth the drive. Even if I didn’t get to see her, it was still worth it because I would have regretted it if Ellie had been able to see her, and I had stayed in Michigan. Besides, Ellie and I had decided that Mr. and Mrs. Schmitz love us enough that if we were standing at their door, they couldn’t say no to us.

Anyway, we ate cookies, and told our stories about what had happened over the course of our sophomore, and junior years. We looked on Pinterest together, discussed our weddings, apparently the whole Schmitz family is going to be in mine, we talked about where we pass gas the most (yes, that is what we talk about when we are alone, not boys). We watched a couple episodes of impractical jokers, and talked about our lives with each other even more. We sang “this little light of mine” in Mr. and Mrs. Schmitz room, bringing back old memories at Dayspring and eventually our time was up. I hadn’t laughed that hard or been that happy in what seemed like forever.

Sunday I went to church, and studied and comforted my sister as she was still dealing with the death of one of her friends from over the summer. (Please pray for her, she still feels like she could have stopped the suicide). I relaxed at home, and studied, I continued to take medicine, and as someone, I can’t remember who, told me, “woke up and felt like I got punched in the face,” even after my nap.

Yup.

We went to the overflow service Sunday night, and I felt like I knew the direction that God wanted me to go with my life right now, but I didn’t know how or where to start. So I talked to my Mom about it, which led me to talking to Pastor Gary about it. He gave me the same advice as everyone else, which was awesome, but he also gave me vital information through this process.

On our way home, Mom dropped me off at a restaurant so I could hang out with some of the young adults before I left for Ypsilanti once again. That night was awesome, we talked about our most embarrassing moments. Of course, I have one almost every week, but I told a story from last week about Mason throwing his pants at me, so I took them and ran. When I tried to jump onto the ledge in the gym, my shoe slipped on the floor, and I landed face first. That is my life, summed up in a couple of sentences.

Chad took me home, and it was really nice to get to talk with him some more. That night he told me something that had really stuck with me. Sometimes it doesn’t feel like God is moving or working in our lives, but he doesn’t waste any time so clearly he is still working. We just don’t see it. I knew he was right. I said goodbye and thank you, grabbed my laundry paid my mother back for my soda at the restaurant and left for Ypsilanti once again.

That week, I had just a ton of biology homework, and a ton of readings to do for Creative Writing, on top of the biology exam. I realized that I wasn’t drained because of how stressed I was, I was drained because I was tired of “having to know stuff.” But that week was pretty ordinary, nothing too exciting except that I got dinner at T-Bell with Dave, and we went back to his apartment and watched Grace Unplugged until one in the morning. I thought the movie would be stupid, but I really enjoyed it.  

After fund raising, Katie and I went to get coffee and on our way back, we passed my Chi Alpha group doing a worship session. I hadn’t been there in a couple of weeks, so it was really nice to see Pastor Sarah was even more pregnant. When we got back we when to one of the plays in Quirk so that Katie could get extra credit. It was interesting and kind of creepy. We then decided to go to the haunted house in the FYC (First Year Center). I thought it would be lame, but the clown almost made me pee my pants. We finally got out of the section with the strobe light and the insane girl saying “you’ll never make it out,” which made my claustrophobia kick in, and I almost started panicking. But once we found the out, we followed the hallway a little bit to find a door. Katie went to open it, and it opened itself as thee creepiest clown you can picture, blood dripping down the side of it’s griming mouth peeked from behind it. I screamed, and pushed Morgan and Katie through, running.

Friday was Halloween night. I spent it at the gym messing around with Waters, Michaela and Shannon. As I was walking home, it was cold, sleeting and my phone decided to shut off right as I was on my way home. The music stopped and all I could hear was some party going on behind me. That’s when I realized it wasn’t a party, it was my church, so I turned around in the freezing rain, my shoes wet, the wind biting any uncovered limbs, and I went to the worship service.

When I got back, I turned up the heat, made some hot chocolate and Cincinnati Chili and watched some Netflix as it continued to snow outside, and just like that, October was over. Midterm week(s) was/were over and I could finally breathe again. As I sat down and took a moment, I realized that I finally had time to think about something other than the next homework assignment that had to be completed.

Which leads me to November…, which I will tell you all about when it is over.

Until Next Time (or I guess December…),

-Becca