Those Serious Talks: Regret

I know I have already done a post about regret, and living a life of no regrets, but it's not that I take back anything I said in that post. I don't, but I was thinking about it even further and I have just a little bit more to say about it.

The other night I was pulling a typical last minute sleep over at Chloe's house. As we were laying there we were in a deep conversation about possible mistakes that we have made and whether we regret them or not. One thing Chloe said was "The problem I have is that I hate that I'm going to have to tell my future husband what I have done…" That made me really think did I regret those things that I may have done?

Now if you don't know what I'm talking about it could be just getting so wasted that you don't remember that night, you could have cheated on your significant other and not remembered. It could be telling a huge secret that you swore to keep and it destroyed your friendship or even going too far in a relationship. Just think of the worst thing you have ever done… this is what I am talking about.

So I sat there and questioned if I regretted it. I chose my words very carefully as I explained to Chloe what was on my mind. I really want to live a life of no regrets, and at this point, I still don't regret anything. So I told her this, "If I sat here and regretted everything that happened with Tyler, I would waste my time wishing I could go back and change what had happened. Yes, I do realize that when I the times come and I have to tell my husband what happened, it will hurt him, but I also know that I love my future husband not because he thinks I'm perfect but because he knows that I am completely imperfect and loves me anyway."

So I explained to Chloe that in my letters I had already told him everything and apologized for it. By letters I mean that for a while I had been writing letters to my future husband. I had stopped somewhere between senior year and my freshman year, but after the break up, I started again. It was comforting. This began my healing process.

Once I had told him, and confessed it to Chloe and Sophia, that was all I needed. I asked God to forgive my sins, I asked for forgiveness from my friends even though it was not their position because technically they didn't get hurt through it, just disappointed. I even asked for forgiveness from my future husband. So why would I need to regret it?

I think the real question to ask someone who has made a mistake is this;

Knowing everything you know now… If you could go back to that day that you made that mistake, would you change it? 

People's responses may be different. Although everything you have done up to this point in your life has made you who you are today, it may have also hurt other people. It's not that you can change that day, but if you could, would you? Yes? No? Give your answer, ask for forgiveness and move on. There is nothing you can do about it now except learn from it. 

My Winter Semester At EMU: Part One!

Honestly this semester has been… a whirlwind of confusion and hurt, but still being extremely blessed at the same time. I entered this semester lined up with a job managing a team at college and passing out those coupon books. It went well, my boss was happy with me, and I was happy when we got the job done and even happier when my check arrived in the mail. Through that I had already been extremely close with Katie, but through this job I got closer to Deshawn which was nice. My four best friends on the team even took me out to tower inn to celebrate my ninetieth birthday. Although I had spent the actual day, cuddled in Tyler's recliner as his mom made me cake and we watched Percy Jackson, the team made sure my birthday was well celebrated, and it was nice to know that they were there for me.

Katie and I at dinner to Celebrate my birthday!

My actual birthday… I spent it relaxing with people that I love!

And then I got this from Dave - Made my day

During that first job, I received an e-mail scheduling my interview with the Ann Arbor YMCA for a coaching position. Thanks to Katie, I was able to go to the interview, and while we were in the middle of passing out coupon books, I received the call offering me a job, and of course I accepted. As we were finishing off the first job which was such a blessing in my life, I was dealing with a really sassy boyfriend at the time. He only seemed to be listening half the time I was talking to him, and conversations were empty. I was really frustrated with him one night, so I thought I would make amends with a friend. I didn't know what I had done, but I had a really good guess, so I texted her and told her my side of the story. In the end, I was not fond of what she had to say to me. On top of dealing with Tyler telling me a ton of crap I didn't want to hear, I was being bombarded with a ton of crap from someone I had once called a best friend. That was a rough night for me.

She apologized, and so did Tyler, but things were left up in the air with her. When it came to Tyler,  I demanded that he come to see me the following weekend. He did as he was told, and although our time was short, I was sure I would see him soon. He gave me a goodbye hug and kiss, "don't be a stranger," I whispered as he let go of the hug. "I'll see you in one week, I love you goodbye!" he yelled through the double doors. "I'll be at a meet next week! I'll see you in two weeks!" He gave a thumbs up and blew me a kiss, that was the last time I ever saw him in person.

When he had left that day, he was planning on going snowboarding, I got a call later that day. He told me that he was not going to go baby sitting. He said that he had fallen, but I had no clue that he had fallen hard. I get a call the next day from his mother saying that he has two broken ribs and there is air in his lungs. I worried about him for a day and a half straight, and finally he went home in recovery. That Tuesday he had tried to FaceTime me at work. The problem was I had admittedly been late on the first day because I didn't know where I was going. I told him to try again in a half an hour, I would be off then.

Once I got back, he FaceTimed me, he looked much thinner, but we talked and then together (but still apart) did our own things. I watched Pretty Little Liars and he played his game, it was like he was with me even though we were forty-five minutes away from each other. It was nice.

That Saturday was our first ever gymnastics meet at Ohio State. I was competing on a really bad ankle, and when I had got there, I didn't go over the vault until the first one I competed. Once the meet was over, Tyler had not answered my FaceTime, or text messages or calls. So, frustrated with him, I joined in on the party for the first time.

Tyler later messaged me, and we had our usual conversation about him coming up the following weekend. In the hope that he was coming up, I was looking up things to do in town that weekend. However, that Monday morning I got a FaceTime call. He still looked very thin, and he looked like he had not gotten much sleep. As if he had been thinking long and hard about something. I knew what was coming. In response to everything he was telling me, asking me to do, the things he was denying and saying no to… I vomited. I could hear him from inside the bathroom, "Becca, are you okay?" I came back out to his FaceTime, brushing my teeth. "Did you just vomit?" "My entire lunch…"

After more arguing and getting mad at each other, after begging for him not to do that to me again I heard one last thing from him, "I'm done with you, bye." After that moment, I was on an emotional roller coaster. I tried calling him back over and over again, but I looked at the clock, saw that it was three fifteen and I had to be in class. So as I was putting on my shoes, tears streamed down my face and I didn't know who else to call so I called Chloe. Unfortunately she didn't answer so I left her a very alarming voice mail, with what I'm assuming sounded like I was bawling, and my voice cracking quivering. All I remember saying is, "I didn't know who else to call, I just needed someone to talk to…"

After that Katie and Deshawn talked to me about it. Of course I went through the many stages, I was relieved that I was free. I pretended to laugh, I thought it was happy, but lost it during a beam routine and Katie had to remind me to finish my beam routine. In the meantime, there was a lot of drama that was going down in the gym that I didn't know existed until shortly after the break up.

I kept myself busy with my job, gymnastics, writing and doing homework. My job is what kept my mind off of things the most. It made me think about Tuesdays and how tired I would be at the end of the day. All I would think about is, "I can't wait to watch the new Pretty little liars episode…" that's what would get me through Tuesdays, and Saturdays when I would typically be begging Tyler to come visit me was also filled with work.

This job is right off campus, and through it I have made a really good friend whom I would not have met otherwise. With this job, I'm not always in the mood to do it when I get there, especially on Saturday mornings. It's an early job at that point, and I have to move all of the equipment to set up the "gymnastics center." However, the conversations with the kids, stretching with them, and running them is what wakes me up and eventually I'm in the mood to coach them, and still have fun.

I found the semester was going quickly, we even had a week break in the middle, which threw me for a loop. I had come home to the realization that I was not going to be hanging out with Tyler. I was not going to see his family. My nights were often sleepless, or when I did go to sleep I would wake up crying. I would have dreams about his sister telling me she couldn't wait to see me. I would have dreams of marrying him, which is something we both wanted. I would just wake up crying.

One Sunday I woke up with my mom and sister still in the room and tears just started rolling down my face. They asked what was wrong, and I couldn't even say… That week was taken getting rid of all the pain, guilt, and fear that had been swelling up inside of me for weeks. I attended celebrate recovery with my mom and Dad, which I found very refreshing. I spent Sunday mornings crying during church services. I was having a hard time grasping the fact that after all of this God still loved me. I felt like I had made a huge mistake believing this boy, thinking that it could have gone somewhere. The part that got me the worst was "I know that you are for me, I know that you are for me, I know that you will never forsake me in my weakness. I know that you have come now even if to write upon my heart to remind me of who you are."

When I heard that, I knew the lyrics already, but it just hit me. It was hard to grasp, and that's when I started crying. I had told myself that I wouldn't cry, but it was too late it was just like when I had woken up that morning. There was no stopping them, they just came, I don't even know where from… That's when I felt a hand on my shoulder, and I opened my eyes to see Lauren Motsinger smiling at me.

The Imperfect Pictures Are My Favorite

One thing I have noticed about the girls in high school and junior high now, is that they care, and way too much. They make sure that their hair is perfect, and their make-up is hiding everything before they take a picture. If they are wearing a sweatshirt and sweatpants, the pictures just won't do. A good portion of them refuse to take funny photos, especially when it comes to things like homecoming and prom. None of the photos are purposefully messed up, none of them are spontaneous, and that sucks… because they are some of my favorite photos.

When I was younger I was like that too, I cared about what I looked like every time I went out. Every time a picture snapped, I wanted to make sure that I looked decent. I cared that I had just got out of practice, and that I was a sweaty mess. I cared about what pictures I would be tagged in on social media and what boys saw those pictures and then what they thought about me once they saw them. However, somewhere along the line things changed.

Maybe I grew up and realized it was better to capture the moment, than to worry about what people thought about me. Maybe I just stopped caring what people thought about me. If they didn't like me who really cared? People come and go all the time, it's the ones who make an effort to stick around that you should really care about.

Either way, the whole idea was that I thought that the homecoming and prom pictures would be my favorite. My hair is curled, make-up is done and I'm wearing some sort of stunning dress, but once you grow up, you realize it's not the way things work out.

Some of the best photo's I have taken, I have been sweaty and covered in chalk from practice, or if I did look nice from a dance, or "going out" it's the funnier ones that are my favorite. The ones where I am wearing leotards, and sweatpants, my hair is a mess, or I just got done swimming… are the best.

The point is, that I've learned that it is more important to capture the moment, no matter what you are wearing or how you look. Maybe you did just come from the gym, and you don't feel like joining in on the picture because you know you don't look your best. Join anyway, because later on in life, you're going to look at that picture and think, "Wow, I worked hard that day… and was still having fun with the team afterwards." or "who cares what I looked like… I had a blast with my best friend afterwards."

It doesn't matter how good you look in the pictures, it's the fact that you made that picture unique. So wear the sweatpants in the pictures, take the funny photos and just have fun… because in the end it's not going to matter what dress you wore to prom, or how well the hair stylist did your make-up and hair. It will matter that you had fun taking the pictures, you had fun getting ready, you had fun at the meet, or the dance, or any competition or you just had fun at cedar point. The memories are what matter, not how you looked when you were making them!

Until Next Time!
-Becca

Some of my favorite imperfect photo's:

It had been raining, our hair was wet from the rain and swimming. It's frizzy and we aren't wearing make-up, we are wearing sweatshirts and my blonde hair is coming in (my color definitely needed a touch up…) But it doesn't matter. She's my best friend… 

Here's a good one! This was the day that my first serious boyfriend broke up with me (the first time). Sophia called me, and I starts bawling when she asked what happened. I said I didn't know. So she told me that after practice, she was going to come pick me up, and I was going to spend the rest of the night laughing and having fun. Not only had I been crying all day… I had been at gymnastics practice… But I will never not love this picture, because this hang out session was last minute, and it showed me how much my friends loved, cared, and supported me. 

My little cousin and I… Under a sweatshirt, I'm wearing my uniform T-shirt, I'm not wearing much make-up and honestly, the beginning to this day was awful… 

Where do I start with this picture? I just got out of the shower, my hair was wet, cheeks are red, and the day was awful. If it wasn't for these two girls and Tyler… I don't even know… This day… I will never forget, and again it's one of those days that makes me appreciate and love my friends even more! 

Our typical "funny" photo… Make the memories!

Fire drill! Wearing uniforms, and t-shirts, in the middle of giving pedicures… 

Wearing sunscreen on our cheeks, t-shirts, bathing suits… 

Wearing team jackets, t-shirts and jeans… making funny faces…

Yes, it's typical that the graduation pictures would be my favorite… it was a big day. But think about it. You're wearing a drape that is too big for you and a hat that is the shape of a square… 

Got the powder from our gloves smeared on my sleeve. Wearing those stupid smocks, nervous, and haven't eaten because of nerves… The day of state board… one of the biggest days of our lives.

Again… a gown that is too big… but still one of my favorites.

Wearing sweatshirt and jeans… but having fun with the teammates! <3

Who needs a regular picture when you have fun ones like this?

Funny faces, headbands, and t-shirts…

Week in Wyandotte… Tired, sweaty, hot and funny faces.

Week In Wyandotte… Still tired, sweaty, and in t-shirts.

Those pictures that you take on a whim!

Sweatshirts, and funny… but still fun 

T-shirts and smocks. After a day of nerves, little sleep and hard work… 

Leotards… and not even looking at the camera.

Sweatshirts…

We aren't wearing dresses, we aren't super tan, and our hair isn't perfect… but this picture is.

Those funny moments… like petting the wall!

Week In Wyandotte!

Sweatpants and team jackets!

Sweatshirts, after a night of being scared to death!

Sweatshirts and funny faces…

One of my favorite memories… and still saddest day of my life… 

T-shirt and sports shorts… playing cards :)

Sweatshirts, t-shirts and randomly taken :)

I mean… we are wearing life jackets… 

Best friends 

I Love this picture with him more than I ever loved my prom photos with him… 

11 hour car ride, team jacket and yoga pants… my socks don't even match! 

Just got out of practice, and wearing a tank top… but we didn't care.

Our funny faces.

We put on all our christmas presents from each other…

After competing… sweaty, chalky, and in need of spray and deodorant

I mean… we are in leotards…

I think this one speaks for itself

After another long, sweaty meet! 

Another meet!

During Gymnastics Practice!

Now… I think I made my point. You don't have to be dressed like a princess, and have your hair done as such… in order to take the best pictures… Have a nice day!

My Cousins

Growing up, I was one of thee youngest grandchildren on my Dad's side of the family. My Dad was the youngest of four children, so naturally I was down there too. However, I did get the upside of being the oldest of the youngest. If that makes sense. 

Having all of those cousins to look up to and hang out with was always so much fun. It seemed as though our family could never fall apart. We (My cousin Stephanie and I who were inseparable at the time) would always call my Aunt Vicki to ask if we could go swimming in her pool. It wasn't a very big pool by any means, but it was better than spending the day at the reservoir, as we had the last three days before. Usually we would arrive there, and without a knock, walk through the door to see Aunt Vick, Uncle Scott or both watching some sort of adult show that we didn't care about at the time (but later as teenagers grew to love).

As we would swim at her house, we would dirty her towels, raid her cabinet, then depending on which of our cousins was home, is what we would do. If Rachel was home, we would talk about boys. Rachel was four years older than us… I think… at least four years older than me. If Andrew was home, we would swim with him, then do some random but crazy things like fit four people on two bikes and ride around the small town all day. Jumping off the roof of their shed in the back yard onto a couch, that was always fun. There was even one day that we jumped off the roof of Aunt Vicki's house. Or maybe it was Stephanie's, I'm not sure. 

Either way, those long summer days when we would ride our bikes over to Aunt Vicki's to go swimming. Afterwards, we would often stop by Grandma and Grandpa's house to see how they were doing, and pick up on our latest made-up murder investigation in their back yard. Beyond the back yard though, was a field, followed by a hill and the woods. We claimed to have a secret club house back there, and right around this time of year, Stephanie and I would always go chive hunting. We would get plastic bags and pick all the wild chives in the field for Grandma. 

My oldest cousins, were Adam, Aaron, Lucas and Rachel. It seemed that through my years of junior high and high school, we all seemed to lose touch. We would join in on family conversations over the holidays, if we met, but it wasn't that much. I didn't get to attend Adam's wedding, but I attended Aaron's, but even then it was not much more than a "congrats cous!" 

However, within this last year, things have changed a lot. I recently met up with my cousin Adam, who helped me get my first ever cell phone and plan. We have also had quick conversations on Facebook about random things, that and his family is adorable, so I creep on his wife all the time! 

My cousin Aaron, started playing Call of Duty with my little brother, and has taken him fishing over some of the summers. I'm glad that they are bonding. When I do see Aaron there is usually a question of how big or defined my gymnast muscles have gotten, most of the time I talk to his wife, Crystal. I remember at a wedding I went to, she told me to enjoy my senior year. Kiss the boys, have fun, make memories, because it would be over before I knew it… and boy was she right! But I took her words for it… if I hadn't, I may not have had the senior year I did. The last thing that I do remember about Aaron though, it was Christmas and we were all jealous of the big present Aaron had sitting next to the tree. It was taller than I was at the time, and as wide as the wall. It looked like it was the box for a massive flat screen… or a car? Just kidding, but seriously, this box was big… I'm sure you all know where this is going. He opened up the box, to find a smaller box. Ten boxes later, taped to the bottom… was a C.D. (That was before that joke became popular, Grandma was obviously a hipster!)

Rachel, I haven't seen much of her, but when I do, I fill her in on the most recent events in my life. Leaving out details, she may give me advice every now and then, but something I will always remember from her… When I was younger, she did my make-up for the first time, and handed me a ton of cloths she no longer wanted for me to take home. She got down on her knees, which was eye level for me. All she said was, "When you're older, you're going to be hot!" Now every time I see her, I just remember that. I had thought she favored my sister over me at the time, so it was a huge compliment.

Lucas, I hate to say that I had favorites, but growing up, Stephanie was obviously my favorite cousin, she was my best friend… and Lucas's sister. So naturally I spent a lot of time around him. I will never forget the one time he had a birthday party, I felt bad because although my parents had gotten him a gift, I didn't… so I got one of those old plastic M&M containers and filled it with all the loose change I had saved up (It was less than a dollar). But when he opened it, he looked over at me and said, "Thanks Becca!" Of all the memories I have with Luke, like doing the "saved your life!" over a ditch. Playing Murk, in the pool when the water was still green and murky (hence the name). There was when I was first learning how to play clue and he won the game five minutes into it… and not to mention our trips to Gatlinburg.

I could go on and on with the amount of memories I have with him, such as dancing to Audio Adrenaline's "I Get Down…" It's just a simple fact that this guy has given me so much to remember! Then there was the day that he had his going away party for the army. I was actually worried about him, not knowing where he was spiritually at the time, but Grandpa took him by the arm and said, "heaven is only a prayer away…" and that is another moment with Luke I will never forget. As of lately there is something I have to thank him for, he sent a text to an old friend, telling her that she should reconsider being friends with me… Later the day that he texted her, I got a text asking to meet up. Unfortunately, I had already left town, but it's good to know Lucas is looking out for us! And every now and then, I get a comment on a status, photo, or link I share, and we have a short conversation to let me know he's still around. 

These four, are the ones that I grew up around. Although the remaining, Stephanie, Andrew and Bryce were around most of the time, they were closer to my age. Stephanie and Andrew were the one's that I hung out with the most. The ones I was closest too. However, these four - Adam, Aaron, Rachel and Lucas - were the ones that I looked up to. The ones that were far ahead of me in life. These were the ones that I had the smallest relationship with, but the fact that we were cousins, family, and on a different level than normal, friends, made it unique. 

So my point to this post, as I was scrolling through Facebook today, I see a ton of status updates, and pictures of my cousins with their different lives. These cousins that I grew up looking up to. Most of the time I felt like that innocent little kid, being opened up to the world by the things that they were doing around me, or the situations they were in. Like I said, during high school, something seemed to disappear between all of us. Yeah we were family, but it seemed like that was all we were. 

However, now that we are older, I realized something. They didn't go away. They may have started families, and lives away from our group of what was 10 - now 11 - cousins, but nothing has really changed. We are still cousins, we are still there for each other. We all have different views of the world, have walked different paths, but we still have those memories there. Easter egg hunts (which will probably be my next post!) and Christmas parties at Grandma's… those awesome memories that we all share! So, that thing that I thought I lost in high school, wasn't really lost. We still joke, we still have fun and I'm sure if we could find a day when we were all free, we could have a Christmas party or Easter Egg hunt (with everyone putting in money for the golden egg - since we are the adults now). Nothing between us has changed, our lives have just changed, but we are still the same 10 (now 11 - thanks to Alissa) cousins, and that's what we will always be. 

And for the record… if we ever do have another Easter Egg hunt between us… I will be the one to FINALLY find the golden egg… 

And for the second record, the last year that we did that… when the egg was in the tree, Stephanie and I totally saw the egg way before Andrew saw it and grabbed it. It was only because he was closer! But oh well it's just for the record. We found the egg first! :)

That's It For Today!

-Becca