There is a lyric in a Christian song where Chris Tomlin
say’s, “you know just what we need before we say a word….” This lyric has
always hit me growing up in a troubling home, everything always going wrong,
and somehow I’m still here, I’m fine, I am normal. Despite everything trying to
change that.
But today I was driving home from work; I was thinking about
what a blessing my relationship with my boyfriend is. Typically with my
annoyance while at work, I actually don’t listen to music with words on the drives
home after work. However, I got out early in the day this time so simple,
calming music from my ipod (and not the random radio station that has all the
jazz music on it). That is when Good Good Father came on. I was tempted to
change it because by now it is overplayed in every church that sings
contemporary music. I’m sure it’s even overplayed on K-Love and any other
Christian radio station.
But for some reason it caught my attention once again, as
most overplayed worship songs do every now and then.
As the song progressed, I thought about my boyfriend being a
blessing, and everything that led up to him being in my life, and all the
events afterwards.
Evan showed up in my life about two weeks after I told my
best friend, “I’m happy, and I think I’m just going to stay single this year
and enjoy the friendships I had…”
In the meantime, I was preparing to lose my best friend, as
she would graduate in a couple of months. However, I looked her right in the
eye and said, “I’m actually happy, and I’m going to stay single…”
She laughed and said, “watch this is the year you get a
boyfriend…”
Shortly after that, the team went on a hayride and some
blonde freshman caught my eye, and I started asking those who had already
formed friendships with him about him.
Although it seemed to take a while during the time that it
was happening, it actually progressed rather quickly. One day we added each
other on snapchat, a couple of days later I asked him if he needed to pick up
things at the store and offered to take him to the grocery store. I then bought
him Taco Bell since we both seemed to enjoy Taco Bell.
Then there were a couple of movie nights, spaghetti nights,
video nights, nights of leaning and flirting, but never knowing where either of
us stood in our relationship. Then one night I invited him over for dinner, and
cards, while we waited for Sam and Deshawn to get back to our apartment so we
could go to a haunted house. But they got home too late, and by the time they
got home, Evan and I were holding hands on the couch watching The Fault In Our
Stars.
That night, most people know the story, we were “asleep” I
rolled over, and so we were face to face but still “asleep.” I inched my way up
to him and kissed him at four in the morning.
We didn’t get much sleep that night… but by the next
morning, I was ready to cut to the chase about what we were. Of course he was
taken aback by it, but it worked.
(My whole cutting to the chase thing, is a whole other story
stemming from the way that Tyler treated me years ago and the way that our
relationship had started).
The relationship started out great, and through a kind of
accidentally cruel prank, we realized how much we actually cared about each
other, and very soon in the relationship. Like two weeks.
Then a month went by, and we started a cute little hobby
that we do when one of us is stressed or we are tired of watching New Girl
together. By month two, I had already had a meltdown from stress of school, and
he talked me through it. I had been in an unspoken disagreement with a couple
of friends on my team for a quite a while, and actually a lot of frustrating
things from the first semester had built up into one ball of anger, expressed
in a piece of writing.
The beginning of our third month (so right after our two
month anniversary…) we were celebrating our first Christmas together, and
because my room at my apartment was freezing, and home was not a place I wanted
to be. I just chilled at Evan’s house… When I had just met his family the week
before. I guess they learned to like me quickly in that situation.
By the end of the third month I was crying… all the time. In
the middle of watching Harry Potter, I just started sobbing at missing my best
friend. After getting over that, I started venting to him about feuds going on
amongst friends, and he told me, “until you can have a conversation with them,
just act like things are normal…” But through my normal joking around and a
feud still going on, I ended up receiving terrible text messages (which were
kind of needed and deserved, but it still could have gone better) that left me
sobbing in my bed. Evan kept asking me what was wrong, but it hurt so badly
that I couldn’t speak. All I could get out was, “I’m trying…” and when I had
calmed down, Deshawn took Evan home.
Month four, things were better, but I was starting to hate
my sport, and I was suddenly the one supporting him in problems he was having
with class.
By month five things were better, but I was still drowning
in homework.
The end of month six, we had gone to Nationals and the first
couple of days were great. But it was apparent that my only best friend there
was Evan, and I didn’t want to ruin his bromances, so it left a feeling of
loneliness and kind of like I was third wheeling a lot.
By month seven, I was torn about figuring out jobs… and Evan
was already hating Starbucks, and it was getting obvious that not being in each
other’s lives every day was going to be hard.
By the end of month eight, I was distressed about quitting a
job I hated; my Dad was going to jail. My Mom and Dad had screwed me over on a
vacation. Everyone who knew that something was wrong was asking me questions,
when I was trying to stay out of it. So Evan and I took a vacation to fix the
mess that my Mom had started.
By month nine, I was once again in tears because a job I
thought I liked, had screwed me over and told me I had to work on days that I
had requested off. I ended up missing an event that I had regretted not being
able to go to last year. Then I was getting texts that I wouldn’t get to see
Evan.
It was lonely…
So as I was listening to the song in the car, the lyric
where it says, “You know just what we need before we say a word…” It hit me.
A lot of times we don’t ask for what we need because we don’t
know we need it.
That day when I was sitting in the gym, telling Katie that “I’m
happy and I’m going to stay single this year…” if you had told me then that I
would date the guy on the rings, and he would be one of the only reasons that I
emotionally made it through this last school year… I would have laughed. I
would have said, “no that’s what the junior squad is for…” or, “no, I’m sure
Katie will still be around…”
If you had told me that I would have had extreme feelings of
loneliness, and feeling like I just couldn’t get it together, and that I would
be crying into the arms of my boyfriend every night. I wouldn’t have believed
you.
I didn’t ask for a boyfriend who became my best friend
because I didn’t know I needed one. That’s why we don’t even say a word, yet
the Lord supplies his blessings without us knowing. Because he knows what we
need before we do, and he sets us up for success and support before hand so we
have it when we need it.
