Living A Life Of No Regrets

For the longest time I have had the idea that I want to live a life of no regrets.

You know, when I'm old and grey, I don't want to look back on my life and think to myself, "I wish I would have done that differently."

But recently my living life of no regrets motto seemed to be turned upside-down with one simple thought. I almost regretted not doing something I thought I would regret if I did it….

Sound confusing, I'll explain.

Sex. For anyone who has grown up in a Christian home, in a Christian background, you would know that the world is taught that you save sex for "someone you love," but the bible says to save sex for marriage.

I have always gone by the bible, and what it says is best for my life. I tell my boyfriend to never have a condom on him, so even if we are tempted to "do the deed" we can't because we don't want to risk pregnancy.

To say that would put a little stress on our relationship would be an understatement!

So to be accountable for each other and not let a moment of weakness control our decisions, we don't make it a possibility. It sucks knowing we have to wait, but we just tell ourselves that it will be worth it when we are married. Even if that takes forever… hopefully time will fly.

So while we don't make sex an option, the world looks at us and asks why. I remember one time, one of my friends telling me, "I don't regret losing my virginity to him. I did love him and that's all that matters." I remember thinking to myself, "how could someone ever be happy with that? They gave that person everything just to not have them anymore. That's like buying a house with the last of your money, paying for it and then the last owner never giving you the keys…"

I'm sure that's not the way buying a house can legally go - school never teaches you those things - but that's what it would be like, and I didn't understand how someone could be okay with that kind of thinking.

Until a couple of weeks ago.

My problem in any type of relationship is I understand, I over understand sometimes and it leads me to forgiving people I probably shouldn't forgive. So when my relationship was on the line, and I was sure that it was over, that's when I understood why my friend was so okay with losing her virginity to someone she loves, even though she didn't have him anymore.

When I thought it was over for good this time, I looked at our relationship. He is the only person I have ever kissed willingly, he is the only person who has ever "turned me on," and he is also the only person in the world that has seen the "sexual" side of me, and that's good. I want it to stay that way.

My whole goal this time in the relationship was that with everything I do or say, I want it to show how much I love him. Sometimes I can't handle how much I love him, and the number one act the world uses to show that they love someone, I never did.

I started thinking that I could show him, by getting him a drink, or helping him with his chores. Staying on the phone with him when he drives home late at night just to keep him from falling asleep, but the ultimate act, other than dying for him, I never gave to him.

I wanted him to know that I love him, and I could never bring myself to show him. I hated that I felt that way. For a day I regretted not saying yes to sex.

That's how I got to this post today. I started thinking that if everyone lived their life with this am-I-going-to-regret-this-when-I-am-older attitude, where would it lead them?

After our relationship was fine, it took me a couple days to actually get my head on straight again. It's a good thing I am an hour away from him, because if we would have had the chance, I'm sure I might have slipped one of those nights.

Once I started thinking straight, I realized that it's not that I would have regretted having sex with Tyler. It's the fact that I had waited so many years knowing I had to save sex for marriage, just to give up before I got to the end. I wouldn't have regretted WHO it was with, I would have regretted giving up after so long.

It would have been like deciding that you are going to the olympics. So you train your whole life, spend hours upon hours in the gym, gymnastics is the only thing you know. Just to get to the Olympic Meet day and walk away, not looking back. You wouldn't regret the gymnastics, it made you strong and the person you are today, you would have regretted giving up when you were literally eight routines away from the podium.

Another thing I would have regretted was that he is not my husband… and after many conversations with people who have lost their virginity outside of marriage, I want to wait.

So I realized that while I am making decisions in my life, it is good to have that, "am I going to regret this" attitude, but you also can't live by the emotions you feel while you are making that decision. I wanted so desperately to show Tyler how much I love him, I would have done anything at that point to keep him, and I'm sure if I would have asked myself that question, "would I regret this?" I would have been struggling with the answer all night.

So if you are trying to make a big decision do a few things first.

1.) Ask yourself if you would regret what you are about to do. If you think answer is no, move on to number two.

2.) Take a few days… or hours… get rid of the emotions and let yourself think clearly about the situation.

3.) Talk to people who know you the best about the decision.

-A few days before Christmas, I sat down with my best friend's aunt and she reaffirmed that I would have regretted having sex before marriage. I don't know if she would have agreed with not regretting who, but regretting giving up, but she did agree that in the end I would regret something.

4.) Pray about it… maybe you don't believe in God. Even then, what does it hurt?

-A lot of times, I think that God knows I would make a stupid and irrational decision if he didn't help me out. I almost gave up a full ride to go to college with my cousin. I didn't end up getting into her college. At the time I was disappointed, but I think God was just looking out for me. Turns out, what would have been my only friend at Miami University, isn't even my friend anymore. She hasn't talked to me since July 12, 2013. Imagine how much it would suck had I made the wrong choice.

5.) Lastly, just get into the word. As in the bible. Look up what it has to say about it your decisions. Something as simple as sex is in there, but when it comes to college, it may not say, "don't go to Miami, you will lose your best friend…" but it might give you perspective on what is going on!

If you have all of these, then make your decision, but remember what I said about what I would have regretted. It's not that I would have regretted the sex, or who I had it with. I would have been disappointed in myself. So look at every single thing that you could possibly regret, any doubts and do those five things. I promise, you won't regret at least thinking about it for the time being!

Until Next Time!
-Bec

Hidden Motivation: A Sub-Plot

Something I have learned over the years with writing is that the inspiration has to come from somewhere. Whether its for something so simple as a blog post, or something like a book or short story. The idea sparked because of an image, a word or phrase, a life experience maybe even a song.

There are simple things you question when getting inspiration, like why would someone stand up at a wedding? The song says she was uninvited, so that must mean she was originally invited. What happened? What line was crossed?

Do you see where I am coming from?

When I think about all the small pieces of inspiration that I have while writing a story or blog post I can't help but think that they come from all over. The people I meet, the experiences I have and so on.

Something I have also learned is quite simple, there is also motivation in almost everything you do.

You look at your phone, because you want a text from someone or are expecting one.

I'm writing this post, because I need to get my thoughts out.

I do gymnastics to escape, get my mind off of things, make new friends…

There is always motivation and inspiration!

So where am I going with this?

My mom and I were talking the other day, and I told her that the truth had to come out, and she knew exactly what I was talking about. My book.

My book is something that has always been an idea, but I could never get it out just right. I knew what I wanted to write about, but I didn't know where to start or where to finish. It was confusing!

Until my senior year hit. Something happened that changed my life, turned my world upside down.

Tyler

For those of you who don't know Tyler is my first serious boyfriend, first kiss, first love and so on. Up until this point he is my only and last, and if we get married, he will end up being my first everything. So what makes him so special?

He's where it starts. He's my inspiration. I realized that I could literally start the story with when we met, and end it at our break up back in February.

For a while though, I really didn't have a reason to write it. I mean the break-up lasted for two months and so I got a good forty pages into the story…

And then we got back together.

I no longer had the urge to get it all out in words so that somebody would know how amazing it was to fall in love with someone like him at the age of 17 in a situation like mine. I had no more motivation!

But then it happened… the biggest betrayal of all. The thing that makes the story suddenly all the more interesting!

Things always have a cause and effect, and that is something to keep in mind.

So when I was telling my mom that the truth had to come out, I realized where I was getting my motivation from. If the truth came out in my book, the betrayer would know that I'm not really her friend, I only act like it because we are related, and the person I lost… well they would know the truth behind all the lies that piled up over the summer.

I had my inspiration, ultimately it was Tyler. Telling a love story…

However, the motivation is usually hidden just like so many sub-plots. Only in the end do the sub-plots come out. Like in The Hunger Games, why President Snow always smells like blood and roses, or why Haymitch is always getting wasted. Their motivation is hidden until later in the story, and I didn't realize it but so was mine.

My motivation was suddenly clear. I wanted to get the truth out, and through a large sub-plot that nobody sees coming.

I always wanted to write a great book that should be taught or discussed in schools, because of the questions that arise from it. Were the odds really in Peeta's favor? *spoiler alert* he gets the girl… if it weren't for The Hunger Games he wouldn't. I want people to question my books like I question The Hunger Games.

I want people to wonder if the person I lost, ever was really my friend. I want people to question the sanity of the person who betrayed me. What does she care about? Does she have a multiple personality disorder? Or is it all for show?

Getting the truth out, I realized at that point, was the reason I wanted to write the books. People have to know what a great friendship is like. What a horrible situation can do to a family, how heartbreaking it is when your hero breaks up with you and leaves you to fend for yourself knowing what you're going through. When your worst enemy pushes you over the edge setting her devious plan into motion and eventually stealing one of the things you held most dear to you.

So in that being said. My inspiration is simple, the main idea of my story. My motivation is a hidden sub-plot that changes the whole course of the series.

So next time you write, or blog… take a moment to think about where your inspiration is coming from.

Sure you may be thinking about your boyfriend when you are writing the piece about a girl who loves a guy, but you know that he is going to break the girls heart so you describe him as the last guy that broke your heart. However, until the point where they break up, you describe his words, his actions, his voice about the guy you currently love.

And not until you are completely done writing, until it's turned into the the teacher, or editor or submitted as a blog post to be read a year later, do you realize that you described two different people and your inspiration was your boyfriend at the time, but your motivation was the last time your heart was broken…

What's your motivation?

When you show love to a homeless person, is it because you are feeling bad, or because you have decided to show God's love?

When you give grace or forgiveness to someone, is it because they deserve it? Or because we show God's love and mercy through our own actions?

When I told my mom, that I wanted to get the truth out, I meant about our lives, the betrayal, the good and the bad, but I also want to get Jesus out.

That truth.

I want the world to know what he has brought us through and the blessings that have been in our lives and that are still to come!

So I will ask again, what is your motivation?

Home Sweet Home

Hey guys!

So I was really wanting to write a post tonight. I'm sitting here full of emotions and really didn't know how to express them properly until I was reading over one of my older posts about the EMU Gymnastics Club.

It's no secret that gymnastics is one of the many ways that I have been able to cope with everything that has gone wrong in my life. My first big break up between Tyler and I, I spent the day in the gym taking out frustrations on the mats. I didn't even think about crying until I got home late that night. By then my friends had already called him and yelled at him. The point was, the gym was a good way to cope.

Many times when there was stressful situations going on at home, I would go to the gym and take whatever beating the coaches decided to put our bodies through that day. I often explain it as the equivalent of what cutting yourself does, but instead of producing pain that could risk your life, you are producing pain that ultimately makes you stronger.

So many times already while here at Eastern, I have really been thankful for having a gymnastics club because often times it was a good way to get away from the rest of the group. It was nice to make friends and share stories about what else was going on around campus, with people who often times feel the same way you do.

So here's a story: 

Over thanksgiving break I had a great time, don't get me wrong. The problem was I was never happy, it's like I came back to Eastern wondering if I will ever be happy where I am at.
This is how I realized the horrible circle went:

When I'm at Eastern - I want to be home
When I'm at Home - I Want to be with; Chloe, Sophia, Tyler or at Eastern
When I'm with Chloe and Sophia - I want to be spending time with Tyler
When I'm with Tyler - I'm wondering if I should be spending time with Chloe and Sophia

Then it hit me, there are only two things I know for sure about this. When I'm at the gym, I want to be at the gym. When I'm home, I don't want to be home.

I never want to be home!

The only reason I want to go home is to be back in Perrysburg, where everything is familiar, and it feels like I still have a the life that I so quickly left behind and forgot about. A life that seems millions of miles away.

But too quickly that feeling of familiarity and normalcy disappeared and I was back on the road to Eastern. I was very conflicted on the drive back up here.

You see I spent Thanksgiving day with my family and the other half with Tyler's family. We went black Friday shopping on Thursday then went and saw Catching Fire (which I admit was my second time, but it was a phenomenal movie!). As Tyler dropped me back off at home, he disappointed me a little bit, but he said "we have the rest of break..." I said okay, and we moved on. He asked me about black Friday shopping, I told him the plans and he told me he would meet up with me. As I got out of the car he said "Goodbye, I love you and See you tomorrow."

This was perfect!

I was going to get to hang out with Chloe, Sophia and Tyler, and not have to worry about ditching one for the other!

However, Friday came and no response.

Saturday... after about three texts alone plus the other... six from Friday he finally texted me that we couldn't hang out on Saturday.

Sunday - no response.

I went to life groups upset, thinking that he was purposefully ignoring that text so that he didn't have to go. Then I came back to college upset about that.

Finally when Monday rolled around, I waited for the before work text - nothing.

The first break text (during practice) - nothing.

I sat in the gym doing nothing and being upset. Nothing was going right, I wasn't making anything so I went into the bathroom, cried a little bit, but my friends made me feel better. The gym was the only place I wanted to be even though it hurt to do everything and I didn't feel like doing any work at all. I just sat there and at that moment, I don't think I would have been any happier any place else. Not even with Tyler at that point because I was just so furious with him.

I ended up sending him the "we need to talk" text and waited for his second break. Conveniently I missed both of his calls while I was out with Katie and Mason. By the time I realized he had called, it was too late, we wouldn't have had time to talk so I waited for his last break.

Finally, I was able to talk to him. I will mention some of the things that kind of put me on the edge, but we ended up talking it out. I was still mad, but not as mad. I ended up telling him between that phone call and Wednesday night what I do expect out of the relationship and this time if he tries to break up with me, I'm not just walking away like I did last time. I will show up at his house to discuss it, if I have too. We then had a fun argument about who loved each other more, and that was the last time I heard about him.

Thursday classes rolled around, no before work text.

First break - No text...
Second Break - No text...
Third Break - No text...
COMPLETE SILENCE...

I thought, "maybe he left his phone at home..." so I texted him and waited until the time he got home. NOTHING.

Friday practice rolls around... no text. So I initiate the conversation... NOTHING.

I decided not to think about it. I was at the gym, working on a new skill so I put all of my time, thoughts, and energy into getting my new double salto pass on floor. I started on the tumble strip that went into the padded pit and worked my way onto the floor. I was getting frustrated, then when I thought about Tyler I would get even more frustrated.

I knew I could do this skill, I just needed to... DO IT!

So I thought, what if I set it up on floor, the same way I have it set up on the tumble strip into the pit? So I set that up and finally did one! I didn't land on my feet, I had never landed on my feet, not even into the pit, but it was a start. I told Katie that I did it, and she took out my phone and recorded the next one.

This is what we got!

http://instagram.com/p/hmZ9dbTVuh/

(I'll post the actual video later...)

For a moment, I was thrilled, excited, so... Happy!

Then I went on bars and started catching the release that I need, consistently!

It was all going great until nine o'clock rolled around and nothing came from my phone except my mother texting me about the gymnastics meet on Sunday.

Now, it's Saturday and I have yet again sent the "we need to talk" text. I still have not gotten a response, but when I do, I don't think it's going to be pretty.

The point of this post is that I was looking for a way to write all my frustrations out. To put them into a story, because that's what I do. Maybe, sit here and cry for a little bit. Let myself get everything out, but I always go back to that video and think of that moment when I landed on my feet for the very first time.

I can't help but wish that sometimes I could just hang out in the gym. I wish I could be there right now, because no matter how much I try to run from the gym I always go back to it. It's a place of sanity, and accomplishment. Some place where you can cry, make new friends, look god-awful and still have the people who see you like that love you. It's a place of pain, and torture, injury and sacrifice, but no matter how much you hate it, you always come back.

The fact is that even if you show up but don't do anything, the atmosphere is so refreshing and comforting. It can even be relaxing sometimes. You may not like it, but if you are a gymnast, you can't deny...

The gym isn't just the gym.

It's home.

Thanks For Reading!
-Bec