Hey guys!
So I was really wanting to write a post tonight. I'm sitting here full of emotions and really didn't know how to express them properly until I was reading over one of my older posts about the EMU Gymnastics Club.
It's no secret that gymnastics is one of the many ways that I have been able to cope with everything that has gone wrong in my life. My first big break up between Tyler and I, I spent the day in the gym taking out frustrations on the mats. I didn't even think about crying until I got home late that night. By then my friends had already called him and yelled at him. The point was, the gym was a good way to cope.
Many times when there was stressful situations going on at home, I would go to the gym and take whatever beating the coaches decided to put our bodies through that day. I often explain it as the equivalent of what cutting yourself does, but instead of producing pain that could risk your life, you are producing pain that ultimately makes you stronger.
So many times already while here at Eastern, I have really been thankful for having a gymnastics club because often times it was a good way to get away from the rest of the group. It was nice to make friends and share stories about what else was going on around campus, with people who often times feel the same way you do.
So here's a story:
Over thanksgiving break I had a great time, don't get me wrong. The problem was I was never happy, it's like I came back to Eastern wondering if I will ever be happy where I am at.
This is how I realized the horrible circle went:
When I'm at Eastern - I want to be home
When I'm at Home - I Want to be with; Chloe, Sophia, Tyler or at Eastern
When I'm with Chloe and Sophia - I want to be spending time with Tyler
When I'm with Tyler - I'm wondering if I should be spending time with Chloe and Sophia
Then it hit me, there are only two things I know for sure about this. When I'm at the gym, I want to be at the gym. When I'm home, I don't want to be home.
I never want to be home!
The only reason I want to go home is to be back in Perrysburg, where everything is familiar, and it feels like I still have a the life that I so quickly left behind and forgot about. A life that seems millions of miles away.
But too quickly that feeling of familiarity and normalcy disappeared and I was back on the road to Eastern. I was very conflicted on the drive back up here.
You see I spent Thanksgiving day with my family and the other half with Tyler's family. We went black Friday shopping on Thursday then went and saw Catching Fire (which I admit was my second time, but it was a phenomenal movie!). As Tyler dropped me back off at home, he disappointed me a little bit, but he said "we have the rest of break..." I said okay, and we moved on. He asked me about black Friday shopping, I told him the plans and he told me he would meet up with me. As I got out of the car he said "Goodbye, I love you and See you tomorrow."
This was perfect!
I was going to get to hang out with Chloe, Sophia and Tyler, and not have to worry about ditching one for the other!
However, Friday came and no response.
Saturday... after about three texts alone plus the other... six from Friday he finally texted me that we couldn't hang out on Saturday.
Sunday - no response.
I went to life groups upset, thinking that he was purposefully ignoring that text so that he didn't have to go. Then I came back to college upset about that.
Finally when Monday rolled around, I waited for the before work text - nothing.
The first break text (during practice) - nothing.
I sat in the gym doing nothing and being upset. Nothing was going right, I wasn't making anything so I went into the bathroom, cried a little bit, but my friends made me feel better. The gym was the only place I wanted to be even though it hurt to do everything and I didn't feel like doing any work at all. I just sat there and at that moment, I don't think I would have been any happier any place else. Not even with Tyler at that point because I was just so furious with him.
I ended up sending him the "we need to talk" text and waited for his second break. Conveniently I missed both of his calls while I was out with Katie and Mason. By the time I realized he had called, it was too late, we wouldn't have had time to talk so I waited for his last break.
Finally, I was able to talk to him. I will mention some of the things that kind of put me on the edge, but we ended up talking it out. I was still mad, but not as mad. I ended up telling him between that phone call and Wednesday night what I do expect out of the relationship and this time if he tries to break up with me, I'm not just walking away like I did last time. I will show up at his house to discuss it, if I have too. We then had a fun argument about who loved each other more, and that was the last time I heard about him.
Thursday classes rolled around, no before work text.
First break - No text...
Second Break - No text...
Third Break - No text...
COMPLETE SILENCE...
I thought, "maybe he left his phone at home..." so I texted him and waited until the time he got home. NOTHING.
Friday practice rolls around... no text. So I initiate the conversation... NOTHING.
I decided not to think about it. I was at the gym, working on a new skill so I put all of my time, thoughts, and energy into getting my new double salto pass on floor. I started on the tumble strip that went into the padded pit and worked my way onto the floor. I was getting frustrated, then when I thought about Tyler I would get even more frustrated.
I knew I could do this skill, I just needed to... DO IT!
So I thought, what if I set it up on floor, the same way I have it set up on the tumble strip into the pit? So I set that up and finally did one! I didn't land on my feet, I had never landed on my feet, not even into the pit, but it was a start. I told Katie that I did it, and she took out my phone and recorded the next one.
This is what we got!
http://instagram.com/p/hmZ9dbTVuh/
(I'll post the actual video later...)
For a moment, I was thrilled, excited, so... Happy!
Then I went on bars and started catching the release that I need, consistently!
It was all going great until nine o'clock rolled around and nothing came from my phone except my mother texting me about the gymnastics meet on Sunday.
Now, it's Saturday and I have yet again sent the "we need to talk" text. I still have not gotten a response, but when I do, I don't think it's going to be pretty.
The point of this post is that I was looking for a way to write all my frustrations out. To put them into a story, because that's what I do. Maybe, sit here and cry for a little bit. Let myself get everything out, but I always go back to that video and think of that moment when I landed on my feet for the very first time.
I can't help but wish that sometimes I could just hang out in the gym. I wish I could be there right now, because no matter how much I try to run from the gym I always go back to it. It's a place of sanity, and accomplishment. Some place where you can cry, make new friends, look god-awful and still have the people who see you like that love you. It's a place of pain, and torture, injury and sacrifice, but no matter how much you hate it, you always come back.
The fact is that even if you show up but don't do anything, the atmosphere is so refreshing and comforting. It can even be relaxing sometimes. You may not like it, but if you are a gymnast, you can't deny...
The gym isn't just the gym.
It's home.
Thanks For Reading!
-Bec
So I was really wanting to write a post tonight. I'm sitting here full of emotions and really didn't know how to express them properly until I was reading over one of my older posts about the EMU Gymnastics Club.
It's no secret that gymnastics is one of the many ways that I have been able to cope with everything that has gone wrong in my life. My first big break up between Tyler and I, I spent the day in the gym taking out frustrations on the mats. I didn't even think about crying until I got home late that night. By then my friends had already called him and yelled at him. The point was, the gym was a good way to cope.
Many times when there was stressful situations going on at home, I would go to the gym and take whatever beating the coaches decided to put our bodies through that day. I often explain it as the equivalent of what cutting yourself does, but instead of producing pain that could risk your life, you are producing pain that ultimately makes you stronger.
So many times already while here at Eastern, I have really been thankful for having a gymnastics club because often times it was a good way to get away from the rest of the group. It was nice to make friends and share stories about what else was going on around campus, with people who often times feel the same way you do.
So here's a story:
Over thanksgiving break I had a great time, don't get me wrong. The problem was I was never happy, it's like I came back to Eastern wondering if I will ever be happy where I am at.
This is how I realized the horrible circle went:
When I'm at Eastern - I want to be home
When I'm at Home - I Want to be with; Chloe, Sophia, Tyler or at Eastern
When I'm with Chloe and Sophia - I want to be spending time with Tyler
When I'm with Tyler - I'm wondering if I should be spending time with Chloe and Sophia
Then it hit me, there are only two things I know for sure about this. When I'm at the gym, I want to be at the gym. When I'm home, I don't want to be home.
I never want to be home!
The only reason I want to go home is to be back in Perrysburg, where everything is familiar, and it feels like I still have a the life that I so quickly left behind and forgot about. A life that seems millions of miles away.
But too quickly that feeling of familiarity and normalcy disappeared and I was back on the road to Eastern. I was very conflicted on the drive back up here.
You see I spent Thanksgiving day with my family and the other half with Tyler's family. We went black Friday shopping on Thursday then went and saw Catching Fire (which I admit was my second time, but it was a phenomenal movie!). As Tyler dropped me back off at home, he disappointed me a little bit, but he said "we have the rest of break..." I said okay, and we moved on. He asked me about black Friday shopping, I told him the plans and he told me he would meet up with me. As I got out of the car he said "Goodbye, I love you and See you tomorrow."
This was perfect!
I was going to get to hang out with Chloe, Sophia and Tyler, and not have to worry about ditching one for the other!
However, Friday came and no response.
Saturday... after about three texts alone plus the other... six from Friday he finally texted me that we couldn't hang out on Saturday.
Sunday - no response.
I went to life groups upset, thinking that he was purposefully ignoring that text so that he didn't have to go. Then I came back to college upset about that.
Finally when Monday rolled around, I waited for the before work text - nothing.
The first break text (during practice) - nothing.
I sat in the gym doing nothing and being upset. Nothing was going right, I wasn't making anything so I went into the bathroom, cried a little bit, but my friends made me feel better. The gym was the only place I wanted to be even though it hurt to do everything and I didn't feel like doing any work at all. I just sat there and at that moment, I don't think I would have been any happier any place else. Not even with Tyler at that point because I was just so furious with him.
I ended up sending him the "we need to talk" text and waited for his second break. Conveniently I missed both of his calls while I was out with Katie and Mason. By the time I realized he had called, it was too late, we wouldn't have had time to talk so I waited for his last break.
Finally, I was able to talk to him. I will mention some of the things that kind of put me on the edge, but we ended up talking it out. I was still mad, but not as mad. I ended up telling him between that phone call and Wednesday night what I do expect out of the relationship and this time if he tries to break up with me, I'm not just walking away like I did last time. I will show up at his house to discuss it, if I have too. We then had a fun argument about who loved each other more, and that was the last time I heard about him.
Thursday classes rolled around, no before work text.
First break - No text...
Second Break - No text...
Third Break - No text...
COMPLETE SILENCE...
I thought, "maybe he left his phone at home..." so I texted him and waited until the time he got home. NOTHING.
Friday practice rolls around... no text. So I initiate the conversation... NOTHING.
I decided not to think about it. I was at the gym, working on a new skill so I put all of my time, thoughts, and energy into getting my new double salto pass on floor. I started on the tumble strip that went into the padded pit and worked my way onto the floor. I was getting frustrated, then when I thought about Tyler I would get even more frustrated.
I knew I could do this skill, I just needed to... DO IT!
So I thought, what if I set it up on floor, the same way I have it set up on the tumble strip into the pit? So I set that up and finally did one! I didn't land on my feet, I had never landed on my feet, not even into the pit, but it was a start. I told Katie that I did it, and she took out my phone and recorded the next one.
This is what we got!
http://instagram.com/p/hmZ9dbTVuh/
(I'll post the actual video later...)
For a moment, I was thrilled, excited, so... Happy!
Then I went on bars and started catching the release that I need, consistently!
It was all going great until nine o'clock rolled around and nothing came from my phone except my mother texting me about the gymnastics meet on Sunday.
Now, it's Saturday and I have yet again sent the "we need to talk" text. I still have not gotten a response, but when I do, I don't think it's going to be pretty.
The point of this post is that I was looking for a way to write all my frustrations out. To put them into a story, because that's what I do. Maybe, sit here and cry for a little bit. Let myself get everything out, but I always go back to that video and think of that moment when I landed on my feet for the very first time.
I can't help but wish that sometimes I could just hang out in the gym. I wish I could be there right now, because no matter how much I try to run from the gym I always go back to it. It's a place of sanity, and accomplishment. Some place where you can cry, make new friends, look god-awful and still have the people who see you like that love you. It's a place of pain, and torture, injury and sacrifice, but no matter how much you hate it, you always come back.
The fact is that even if you show up but don't do anything, the atmosphere is so refreshing and comforting. It can even be relaxing sometimes. You may not like it, but if you are a gymnast, you can't deny...
The gym isn't just the gym.
It's home.
Thanks For Reading!
-Bec
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