No (Blank) November 2014

November…

No shave November? Nahh…

More like No Confidence November, or No Facebook November. Or how about No Social Media November?

I thought about the last one, but then a Creative Writing project came up and I really did need twitter.

While I did go about a solid two weeks without shaving, and I'm pretty sure my leg hair never really grew past four days, No Shave November is not a thing for any gymnasts. It can get pretty bad with being in a leotard for three days of the week.

Anyway, this post is not about no shave November. It's about every other part of November.

I started November looking in the mirror and sucking in my stomach, trying on five different dresses, four different shirts, and three different pairs of pants. No matter how many compliments I got at church, I did not feel confident. For the longest time I have not struggled with confidence. I can walk with my chin held high when I am extremely lonely. I can hold back tears like a professional, I can lie to myself and convince my body that I feel one way, but I really don't. It is easy, but something happened where I seemed to reduce myself to nothing and doubting my self worth.

That is how my November started.

It probably didn't help that for two weekends in a row, I was stuck in the apartment, by myself with nothing really to do. That time of being by yourself, I don't think is very healthy, not for extended periods of time (like four days in a row).

One of the Sunday nights, I ended up going to dinner with my friend Dave, and I finally told him what had been on my mind. Apparently I was not the only one struggling with self-image issues at that point. I told him that I found myself on Facebook, comparing myself to other girls, even my best friends.

That's when it hit me; I had to get off Facebook. It started with my phone, I deleted the app. I went a couple of days without being on the Facebook app. I didn't realize how much of a relief it was, not having to be in direct contact with everyone. Not always torturing myself with comparing my image to other girls, and even the girls that I really didn't like or trust, but everyone else loved them and trusts them… I would wonder what they see in her but not me.

It was all comparison, an ever part of it was negative.

But with the app deleted, I wasn't being negatively affected in the middle of class, or gymnastics practice, on my way to work or even at work while we are waiting for the kids and their parents to show up. It was a relief.

I quickly realized that the next step was to stop getting on Facebook altogether. During that time, yes I got on to post stuff for the club, but I was not scrolling through my news feed. I sent the necessary messages to people if I didn't have their number, but besides that… I was not on Facebook.

It was a complete relief.

Aside from my Facebook break, I found that I successfully beat my own record at how long I can go without doing my laundry. Four Weeks. Four! Although I was running out of jeans, leotards and sweatpants… most of my drawers were still pretty full. Lets just say by the time I finally got to wash my cloths (including my comforter and sheets) It ended up being four loads of laundry. Sorry Mom and Dad! Never mind, it was even more than that, because Katie's Mom had finished a load for me the weekend before. So a whopping total of five loads of laundry… Yikes!

Anyway, back to the main plot of November. As the month dragged on, Becca seemed to be struggling with Ethan, the guy she was talking to. Katie and Tyler were broken up, but still together and I just got to sit back and watch my friends struggle with their relationships. I found myself constantly giving advice, and talking to them about how to solve their problems. Maybe that's why God has me in this time of waiting, so I can help my roommates without my own distractions. But that is beside the point.

November 14th came around and I finally had my roommates back for a whole weekend! November 14th was the night of the Glow Party, and I have to say, it was a lot of fun. Katie was hula hooping and got hit in the head with a ping-pong ball. I stole Sammi Lee's phone and changed many of her contacts to fictional characters. We played cards against humanity and for once I wasn't losing.

Sammi Lee, Katie, Becca, Morgan and I found ourselves wandering campus late that night for some free pancakes at two in the morning. They were really good, and we looked like a mess. Great.

That following week, we were all trying to decide what to do the following weekend. We had many things planned and only enough time for some of them. Becca wanted us to come back with her to Rossford so that we could have Christmas with her family. From there we would have visited Dayspring, they would have met some of my friends back there, see where I go to church and that would have been that weekend.

But that's not what happened. Thursday night was the Mockingjay Premier. Shannon, Morgan, Justine and Paige all came over, we got ready, dressed like Katniss and left for the premier. The following day Becca, Katie and I woke up early in the morning to catch the early bird showing of that movie. I figured if I went, then I could explain to Katie what was happening since I had read the book and already watched the movie. It was worth seeing a second time.

Although, as soon as Katie, Becca and I got back from the movie, Katie and I had some errands to run. When we came back, Becca had left for the weekend, and we had both told her that we were not going. I had a sewing project to do, and Katie was going to see her grandma.

But I finished my sewing project; so on the way to practice Katie asked if I wanted to come back to her cabin with her. I said yes, went to practice, we borrowed some movies from Danny and left for the cabin. That night we begged Ethan for the truth, we knew that something was going on, but didn’t know what it was. There was so much that didn't make sense, and he finally told us that he had been wanting to break it off with Becca, but wanted to talk to us about it. In the process of mentioning that he "had no real connection with Becca," he put it out there that he was attracted to one of the roommates. Katie said that it could never happen. We wished him luck, and prayed that Becca wasn't as hurt as we thought she would be when he finally told her. I'm going to be honest, that night was weird.

Ethan confessed that he liked Katie more, we finally got the truth from him… and then here is the weirdest thing. I had a missed FaceTime call from Tyler Berry, as in the guy that I have not talked to in months? I texted him to make sure he was okay, but he never responded. I took that as a yes.

Saturday Morning Katie made me waffles and we went down to the lake, which was still frozen at the time. We talked about what had happened the night before, her confusion with her Tyler (Tyler Debrabander), and I mentioned a little bit of my own confusion in my life.

We then visited her grandparents, who were fun to talk to and even made us hot chocolate and helped us with our homework! We invited them to dinner, which was spaghetti pie… YUMM!!! Katie and I did more homework, and watched some movies in the basement. One of them being The Woman In Black, and I will admit, I had a hard time sleeping that night.

The following day, we went with Katie’s lovely grandmother to church, and then her Mom, Katie and I went shopping for Katie’s interview. That night Katie and I finally finished up our homework and went to bed.

One thing that had been happening all of November was learning my floor routine. This was almost UNBEARABLE. I start freaking out when I can’t breathe, and so doing run throughs with my routine (instead of doing a tumbling pass, the music would be stopped and I would do three sprints across the floor for each pass). I would finish and be completely out of breath, I would do beam routines and be out of breath, I couldn’t get through the first half my bar routine without being out of breath.

I just couldn’t breathe. At All.

So for every practice I would do one or two run throughs of my routine. I even tried doing a routine with my tumbling pass, then pausing the music to do the final two sprints. Eventually I actually asked for prayer.

Katie and I kept the secret about Ethan wanting to break off Becca and his “talking” relationship until Tuesday when Ethan finally ended it.

Tuesday afternoon I went home for the weekend. Bethany had an awful attitude, and I wouldn’t stand for it. But the next day she came around and apologized for the way that she treated me.

I really don’t remember what I did on Wednesday, but Thursday came around and I found myself picking up my unhappy sister from my Aunts house. Apparently spending time with family (to her) constitutes as spending time with only my Aunts family. We spent some time eating lunch together, and then went to visit Grandpa Garber, and then went black Friday shopping.

At one point Thanksgiving was my favorite holiday… but somewhere between having my first apartment, and actually coming home for Thanksgiving… I have lost interest. Maybe last year ruined it for me… I don’t know. I really just wanted to spend it at my apartment with Katie and Becca, and our own turkey and our own meals.

Friday was black Friday shopping, and Mom and I were at the mall for hours. We went and saw a movie, and then when we finally went to Forever 21 we finally found decently priced sports bras. When we got up to the front, I found something that would be a great present for Katie, and when I went to pay for it, I realized my wallet was gone. I looked in the dressing room; I looked in stores that we had been in since.

I then realized that I left my wallet in the theater. I had it out before the movie, so we waited for the movie after ours to get out, went to lunch together, and finally got into the theater and found my wallet.

After that, I went home and changed into a dress to go to the Nutcracker to watch Bekah and Lilly dance. Later that night, I finally got to talk with Chloe and Sophia. I didn’t have much to tell them, but they had a lot to tell me. We spent the night talking and laughing, and telling stories.

I ended up staying the night, and the next morning, I awoke to Mrs. Schmitz making us pancakes, and eventually putting up the Christmas tree. At that point I realized how much I just wanted to go back to my apartment, where there would be Becca’s Christmas Tree waiting for me when I arrived. I would be able to go back in my room and watch Netflix and write a story.

Sunday came around and I ended up going home to Becca’s Christmas tree. That’s when we finally talked about Ethan ending it with her, she cried a little bit, and I told her about my Thanksgiving break. My November ended on a somewhat calm note, Becca and I doing homework, listening to Christmas music at the kitchen table.

And somehow within the month, I regained my confidence, and I found my way back onto social media. Although I still rarely get on, or if I am on for a while, I am not scrolling through my news feed.

It wasn’t until the following day (In December) where things really started to go down.

And that was NOVEMBER!

-Becca