Sickness

When winter break started, I was relieved to be home, getting so see my friends and finally making a dent in my Christmas shopping. Although I was barely home, it didn't take very long to remind me why college has been a dream of mine for years now.

I tried not to think about what was going on inside the home or with all the drama, and focus on being in the moment with my friends. I knew I didn't have much time left with them, in fact every time I am home, I find myself running out of time, never having enough time to spend time with everyone. 

I found it was definitely a breath of fresh air to be reminded of what life was like before I came to college. Even though everything wasn't bright and easy, it was really easy to fall back into the comfort of always having food without having to walk outside in the cold. It was easy to call Tyler and say "lets hang out today…" 

Before college, I really didn't realize what I did have. However, halfway through my freshman year, I now realize that I have to fight to keep the relationships and friendships that I want, and still fight to stay away from the things I have been trying to get away from for years now.

Once I realized what all I still had to fight for, I didn't want to leave home, but as soon as the idea of coming back to Eastern came up, and I knew that there is no opportunity to spend more time with Tyler, I hopped up and was immediately ready to leave. 

I finally left Perrysburg knowing what my new set goals were. 

• Put effort into my relationships
• Get a car
• Get a license
• A job that lasts longer than two weeks… is a must!
• I need a place to live for the summer… 
• I have a semester to figure this out

Coming back to school, injured, and with a job that would only last two weeks with sixteen credit hours, no books bought yet, and having no idea where my classes were… It would be an understatement to say that I was overwhelmed. 

One week into being back, all of the stress collided into one day and I ended up breaking down, in the end it's easy to explain what happened, I'm homesick. All of my doubts about my relationship made me question it. When I was frustrated with that, I figured that I could make another better. So after eight months of silence, knowing there was miscommunication that happened somewhere, and that it could only be me to fix it, I sent an apology text to someone who used to be my best friend. 

It was long. Very long, and I explained everything that I thought I knew. At first I stayed clear from my phone, scared of what the reply might be, but after hurting my foot again on bars, I literally laid around the gym until my friends were ready to leave. I will never forget yesterday, I was witting in the corner of the floor trying to beat a level of candy crush when I heard the familiar whistle. I couldn't even make it through without crying, I had to leave the gym. 

Although this hurt, and I was homesick, I was relieved that I was at Eastern when this happened. Everyone was so supportive and offering up hugs. Once I finally leave, I get a call from my boyfriend who was being very sassy in his texts. I just let everything loose and I really didn't get the response I was looking for. After struggling to figure out what is going on, it was clear, the distance hurts. 

My ten minute walks between each class gave me time to think about what was going on. Mine and Tyler's relationship is something that I will die fighting for so as usual, I was thinking about the good times when we had the mornings and weekends together. 

I remembered one time, it was right before move in day packing for Ypsilanti was nearly done, and Tyler and I were talking about our relationship and what was to come. We knew that it would be hard, and I asked him if he was concerned. He said no, he wasn't worried about what would happen over these long weeks apart, so I told him, "I'm going off to start this whole new life without you…" He looked me in the eye and calmly told me, "no you're not starting a whole new life an hour away, you're simply going to a new school, and I will see you in a few weeks." Halfway through my freshman year it's true, I've started a whole new life, it's mashing with my old life in weird ways. The distance has been horrible and great at the same time, but I'm really excited about how this year is going to finish out. I just can't forget that I do have a life here at Eastern, but I am still "simply going to a new school," and I will see everyone I've been missing in a few weeks. 

I've never been more homesick than I was yesterday when everyone on the Eastern Michigan Gymnastics Club saw my break down. It was great to know I had that support system, and when I got back from class today, I FaceTimed Tyler until I was happy with what I was hearing, until I knew that all of the doubts were gone. 

I realized Katie was right, I'm not homesick, I'm Tyler sick. The fact that we both miss each other forces us to make ourselves see each other for a couple hours every couple weeks. Then we say goodbye and it feels as if those past couple hours never happened. I did the same thing over break, I told him I wanted to see him, even if it was for only ten minutes. I saw him, and it felt good, then it was over and gone and I missed him more!

These past couple days, have been a ride. Break was a great experience, but it's good to be back at Eastern. The distance does hurt, but I just have to keep in mind, it's not a whole new life. Yes, I have new friends and everything is different. It's not a different life, it's a whole new world!

I'm not starting a whole new life that is an hour away from everyone else. I am simply going to a new school, and even though I miss Tyler, and things haven't been easy the solution to this sickness is  simple. 

"I will see you in a few weeks."