For the longest time I have been dealing with the same problem. I always hear the following phrases:
For a couple weeks I have been questioning it, all those motives that brought me to my dedicated and very serious relationship with Tyler. Writing always brings me back to what I was thinking back then. If I am telling a story about characters with a similar situation to Tyler's and I's, I can get back into what I was thinking back then.
So that's what I've been doing.
Looking back to September 2012… my life events consisted of school, church and gymnastics. Usually throughout the school year, gymnastics ends up beating out church due to upcoming meets and many chances to be able to do routines a thousand times. However, at the beginning of my senior year I do remember that I was always getting into the word.
Now that I think about it, I was actually practicing worship music on my guitar everyday. I was always reading my bible, going to bible quiz and having worship team practices on Sundays after church and Wednesday's before church. To say that I wasn't involved in church at all when Tyler entered my life would be a complete lie!
I also looked back into my journal entries.
When Tyler and I first started talking I just begged him to come to church with me, he has yet to say yes to a Sunday. Anyway that was the point of our friendship. Ever since then I have continually been praying for him. As I was reading my journal entries I saw what was on my heart back then.
Although I was extremely attracted to him, I didn't really want to act on it. Yeah, I wanted to kiss him, who doesn't want to kiss someone they are attracted to? But the point was, I just wanted him to come to church. I begged God to give me the patience to love him the way I am supposed to love him, whatever way that may be, and direct me in the direction I am supposed to go!
After a lot of mix-up and confusion, we ended up getting dates to homecoming, and it wasn't with each other. A week after our dates were confirmed, he kissed me for the first time. His parents ended up saying that I needed to leave since there were no legal adults there, and they hadn't met me. Later that night he called me on the phone and asked if we were dating.
I said no.
But he begged, and I figured if we dated, it wouldn't last very long with our religious beliefs being slightly different. Actually at the time, he wasn't sure that there was a God at the time. After about an hour of him asking why not's I finally said yes.
Within that week of holding hands in the hallways, always messaging each other and hanging out after school, I learned a lot about him in the time I had with him. He confessed to me that his best friends still lives in Alabama, and they don't really keep in contact anymore. He also told me very personal things, leading to me completely understanding that in reality, he doesn't have many people who love him for being himself.
So I continued to pray for him at church, during worship team practices and every night. I was reading the bible, asking God what he wanted to do in this situation. Still thinking that the relationship would come to an end.
The day of homecoming, we were still going with two different people, so I invited him to come apple picking with my family. Everything seemed fine, and it was great being able to just have fun with him and my family.
During getting ready for homecoming, the truth about my first kiss came out to my best friend who supposedly missed the coded status update on Facebook. They drilled me on whether or not I was dating him and finally I admitted it, they weren't thrilled, but they are my friends so they were still in that "I love you, but I don't think this is right," attitude. Which I totally understood.
Our dates arrived, we took the cute homecoming pictures and we were off. About an hour into the dance, I finally see Tyler. He looked good. He was being lead through the dance floor with his date, and for a second I catch his eyes. My stomach starts to turn and my heart starts to beat fast. Something is wrong.
Not even ten minutes later, I felt a tap on my shoulder. I turn to see Tyler and he immediately said, "I need to talk to you…"
He takes me off to the side, out of my friend's view and he begins to tell me what he did. "We never had sex, I promise. Becca, I need you. You're my only friend, I've already hurt one girl and I don't want to hurt another. Please say something, I'm shaking."
"I don't know, I'm going to have to think about it. Give me some time…"
I could see my friend Chloe waving behind Tyler. I give her a signal, and realize that we had been taking too long. Between the hugging and him trying not to cry, and me not knowing what to do. I knew my feelings for him were real, and that I was hurting even though I had yet to shed a tear. I couldn't let him see me cry. "I have to go, Chloe's freaking out…"
"Becca, I don't know what to do…"
"What do you mean? I said I would think about it…"
"No, I mean should I leave? The people I came with already left, I have no one to hang out with. Should I just leave?"
You know, sometimes when you want to show love to someone, you forgive them when you shouldn't, you show them mercy and compassion when they don't deserve it. I had no idea that I would ever fall in love with him, at the point all I could think of was that I couldn't be another person to walk out on him, no matter what he's done. Our relationship at that point may have been over, but that doesn't mean he had to lose me in any other way.
"You know what," I said, looking into his watery eyes. "When you are ready, my friends and I are right over there. Come join us, we could use another guy who knows how to dance. Cause they are clueless."
A tear fell down his face as he let out a laugh at Kyle who is extremely tall and Zack who is just… awkward. He nodded and said okay as I walked away and joined my friends. I looked over to see him sitting on the ground, hands in his face, crying most likely.
"What's going on?" Chloe asked, being her curious self.
"Oh, it's nothing. If you don't mind, he's going to come join us in a little bit."
"Oh, okay!" She was ecstatic, but I really just wanted to cry. Her little sister Lilly caught on to the fact that something bad went down and I told her. So when Tyler finally came over, she insisted on standing in-between Tyler and I. I introduced him to the group and they took him in, making conversation and still dancing really awkwardly.
Eventually I told Tyler that we were leaving and I saw him go back to the area where he told me about cheating, and he sat there and cried. As I passed by, I waved goodbye.
The texts started coming as soon as I got back to Chloe and Sophia's house. I told Sophia that she was right, as I was passing, and that was like a code and she immediately got up and ran up the stairs with me. Standing in the middle of Chloe's room, I cried. Chloe still clueless on what happened, that's when I told the whole story about what had happened.
"You can't take him back… Do you hear me? You can't Bec." So she grabbed my iPod, read the messages and sent him texts saying that what he did was horrible, and that he should never do that to another girl, ever again. He should learn his lesson. He promised he wouldn't, and just begged to talk to me instead of her. She handed me the iPod and I told him that it was me, he continued to beg, and I just quoted Taylor Swift to him, "we are never getting back together."
I threw my iPod across the bed and it fell to the floor, as I ignored the rest of his messages. We decided to watch a movie, and I curled up in a ball and fell asleep. I could hear Sophia whisper to Chloe, "I don't know how she is sleeping already. I would be crying myself to sleep…"
I will never forget hearing her say that. I did cry after that.
The next day, I went home in the morning right before church and cried. When I got to church, I was bombed with messages from him, entire novels for text messages. The more I ignored him the more desperate the paragraphs got. Which now thinking about it, is actually kind of amazing knowing how hard of a time he has with reading and writing. During church, I was questioning what Jesus would do, if his trust had been betrayed by someone who isn't supposed to let you down like this.
So Pastor Scott preached on Jonah.
For those of you who don't know, Jonah was a prophet. He preached God's word everywhere God told him to go. Until God said "go to Ninivah." At the time it was supposed to be one of the worst cities in the area. So instead of going to Ninivah, he ran in the opposite direction. He ended up getting swallowed by a big fish, which we assume is a whale, and when he repented to God saying that he would do as he was instructed, he got spit back out on the beach. God gave Jonah a second chance. The message was about how God gives us multiple chances. That he loves us no matter what we have done, no matter what the cost.
I heard the message loud and clear. So after church, I messaged him back asking if he was busy tonight. He said no. I told him that we were going to go to life groups, if he can't come he doesn't stand a chance. I told him what time we were picking him up.
After an hour and a half of being at life groups, Tyler admitting that he would die for me… I finally lead him into the basement, we snuck into the locked room and he just grabbed me and cried. It took maybe an hour before I finally nodded. I don't remember what I said, but it was probably something about not doing it again, and this is his last chance.
That night I prayed that I did the right thing, that God would use me to show Tyler what love really is. Over the last year and a half, there has been so much and loving Tyler at no matter what the cost has definitely paid off! There is more to the story, but that is it for today!
Until Next Time,
Bec
(Pictures to come! :) )
- "you deserve better..."
- "he's changing you…"
- "maybe it's not God's plan…"
For a couple weeks I have been questioning it, all those motives that brought me to my dedicated and very serious relationship with Tyler. Writing always brings me back to what I was thinking back then. If I am telling a story about characters with a similar situation to Tyler's and I's, I can get back into what I was thinking back then.
So that's what I've been doing.
Looking back to September 2012… my life events consisted of school, church and gymnastics. Usually throughout the school year, gymnastics ends up beating out church due to upcoming meets and many chances to be able to do routines a thousand times. However, at the beginning of my senior year I do remember that I was always getting into the word.
Now that I think about it, I was actually practicing worship music on my guitar everyday. I was always reading my bible, going to bible quiz and having worship team practices on Sundays after church and Wednesday's before church. To say that I wasn't involved in church at all when Tyler entered my life would be a complete lie!
I also looked back into my journal entries.
When Tyler and I first started talking I just begged him to come to church with me, he has yet to say yes to a Sunday. Anyway that was the point of our friendship. Ever since then I have continually been praying for him. As I was reading my journal entries I saw what was on my heart back then.
Although I was extremely attracted to him, I didn't really want to act on it. Yeah, I wanted to kiss him, who doesn't want to kiss someone they are attracted to? But the point was, I just wanted him to come to church. I begged God to give me the patience to love him the way I am supposed to love him, whatever way that may be, and direct me in the direction I am supposed to go!
After a lot of mix-up and confusion, we ended up getting dates to homecoming, and it wasn't with each other. A week after our dates were confirmed, he kissed me for the first time. His parents ended up saying that I needed to leave since there were no legal adults there, and they hadn't met me. Later that night he called me on the phone and asked if we were dating.
I said no.
But he begged, and I figured if we dated, it wouldn't last very long with our religious beliefs being slightly different. Actually at the time, he wasn't sure that there was a God at the time. After about an hour of him asking why not's I finally said yes.
Within that week of holding hands in the hallways, always messaging each other and hanging out after school, I learned a lot about him in the time I had with him. He confessed to me that his best friends still lives in Alabama, and they don't really keep in contact anymore. He also told me very personal things, leading to me completely understanding that in reality, he doesn't have many people who love him for being himself.
So I continued to pray for him at church, during worship team practices and every night. I was reading the bible, asking God what he wanted to do in this situation. Still thinking that the relationship would come to an end.
The day of homecoming, we were still going with two different people, so I invited him to come apple picking with my family. Everything seemed fine, and it was great being able to just have fun with him and my family.
During getting ready for homecoming, the truth about my first kiss came out to my best friend who supposedly missed the coded status update on Facebook. They drilled me on whether or not I was dating him and finally I admitted it, they weren't thrilled, but they are my friends so they were still in that "I love you, but I don't think this is right," attitude. Which I totally understood.
Our dates arrived, we took the cute homecoming pictures and we were off. About an hour into the dance, I finally see Tyler. He looked good. He was being lead through the dance floor with his date, and for a second I catch his eyes. My stomach starts to turn and my heart starts to beat fast. Something is wrong.
Not even ten minutes later, I felt a tap on my shoulder. I turn to see Tyler and he immediately said, "I need to talk to you…"
He takes me off to the side, out of my friend's view and he begins to tell me what he did. "We never had sex, I promise. Becca, I need you. You're my only friend, I've already hurt one girl and I don't want to hurt another. Please say something, I'm shaking."
"I don't know, I'm going to have to think about it. Give me some time…"
I could see my friend Chloe waving behind Tyler. I give her a signal, and realize that we had been taking too long. Between the hugging and him trying not to cry, and me not knowing what to do. I knew my feelings for him were real, and that I was hurting even though I had yet to shed a tear. I couldn't let him see me cry. "I have to go, Chloe's freaking out…"
"Becca, I don't know what to do…"
"What do you mean? I said I would think about it…"
"No, I mean should I leave? The people I came with already left, I have no one to hang out with. Should I just leave?"
You know, sometimes when you want to show love to someone, you forgive them when you shouldn't, you show them mercy and compassion when they don't deserve it. I had no idea that I would ever fall in love with him, at the point all I could think of was that I couldn't be another person to walk out on him, no matter what he's done. Our relationship at that point may have been over, but that doesn't mean he had to lose me in any other way.
"You know what," I said, looking into his watery eyes. "When you are ready, my friends and I are right over there. Come join us, we could use another guy who knows how to dance. Cause they are clueless."
A tear fell down his face as he let out a laugh at Kyle who is extremely tall and Zack who is just… awkward. He nodded and said okay as I walked away and joined my friends. I looked over to see him sitting on the ground, hands in his face, crying most likely.
"What's going on?" Chloe asked, being her curious self.
"Oh, it's nothing. If you don't mind, he's going to come join us in a little bit."
"Oh, okay!" She was ecstatic, but I really just wanted to cry. Her little sister Lilly caught on to the fact that something bad went down and I told her. So when Tyler finally came over, she insisted on standing in-between Tyler and I. I introduced him to the group and they took him in, making conversation and still dancing really awkwardly.
Eventually I told Tyler that we were leaving and I saw him go back to the area where he told me about cheating, and he sat there and cried. As I passed by, I waved goodbye.
The texts started coming as soon as I got back to Chloe and Sophia's house. I told Sophia that she was right, as I was passing, and that was like a code and she immediately got up and ran up the stairs with me. Standing in the middle of Chloe's room, I cried. Chloe still clueless on what happened, that's when I told the whole story about what had happened.
"You can't take him back… Do you hear me? You can't Bec." So she grabbed my iPod, read the messages and sent him texts saying that what he did was horrible, and that he should never do that to another girl, ever again. He should learn his lesson. He promised he wouldn't, and just begged to talk to me instead of her. She handed me the iPod and I told him that it was me, he continued to beg, and I just quoted Taylor Swift to him, "we are never getting back together."
I threw my iPod across the bed and it fell to the floor, as I ignored the rest of his messages. We decided to watch a movie, and I curled up in a ball and fell asleep. I could hear Sophia whisper to Chloe, "I don't know how she is sleeping already. I would be crying myself to sleep…"
I will never forget hearing her say that. I did cry after that.
The next day, I went home in the morning right before church and cried. When I got to church, I was bombed with messages from him, entire novels for text messages. The more I ignored him the more desperate the paragraphs got. Which now thinking about it, is actually kind of amazing knowing how hard of a time he has with reading and writing. During church, I was questioning what Jesus would do, if his trust had been betrayed by someone who isn't supposed to let you down like this.
So Pastor Scott preached on Jonah.
For those of you who don't know, Jonah was a prophet. He preached God's word everywhere God told him to go. Until God said "go to Ninivah." At the time it was supposed to be one of the worst cities in the area. So instead of going to Ninivah, he ran in the opposite direction. He ended up getting swallowed by a big fish, which we assume is a whale, and when he repented to God saying that he would do as he was instructed, he got spit back out on the beach. God gave Jonah a second chance. The message was about how God gives us multiple chances. That he loves us no matter what we have done, no matter what the cost.
I heard the message loud and clear. So after church, I messaged him back asking if he was busy tonight. He said no. I told him that we were going to go to life groups, if he can't come he doesn't stand a chance. I told him what time we were picking him up.
After an hour and a half of being at life groups, Tyler admitting that he would die for me… I finally lead him into the basement, we snuck into the locked room and he just grabbed me and cried. It took maybe an hour before I finally nodded. I don't remember what I said, but it was probably something about not doing it again, and this is his last chance.
That night I prayed that I did the right thing, that God would use me to show Tyler what love really is. Over the last year and a half, there has been so much and loving Tyler at no matter what the cost has definitely paid off! There is more to the story, but that is it for today!
Until Next Time,
Bec
(Pictures to come! :) )
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